Emotion: Disappointment

Meaning: 1) We expected to receive something we wanted or needed, AND
2) We perceive that it isn’t happening or isn’t going to happen.

It Starts With Expectations

Disappointment starts with an expectation. If we have no expectations, then we cannot be disappointed. However, no matter how much some of us try to live in the moment and try not to place expectations on others, we will have them. Many of the expectations we have of others are necessary for life to function, and if we could not expect people to behave in a certain way, we could do nothing.

Our expectations are based on social norms, the law, our understanding of the past and what others may have promised, among other things. We know that people will probably be wearing a certain type of clothing in a certain place, so we have some idea what we ought to wear. We know the law and social organization says to drive on a particular side of the road and to stop when the light is red. We know that since we worked at a certain place for the last three years and were not fired, that we go to that place to work this week. Someone may have told us that something is coming, or dropped hints that we interpreted to mean that we were going to get something we wanted.

It Includes a Desire

However, just because we expect things to be a certain way does not mean we will feel Disappointment when that expectation is not realized. Disappointment only comes when we wanted our expectation to be fulfilled, and we discover that it won’t be fulfilled or hasn’t been fulfilled. We might be Disappointed to learn that we won’t graduate with our degree when we expected, or that our grades weren’t as high as we expected. We might be Disappointed when our spouse didn’t do a special thing we wanted on our Anniversary. We might be Disappointed because our children don’t behave in the manner we expected and desired from them.

However, we won’t be Disappointed if we expected to fail and find we passed. We won’t be Disappointed when we find out we got a promotion when we thought we would be fired. We won’t be Disappointed to learn that someone we thought was gone forever and would miss desperately has decided to stay in town. We won’t be Disappointed when we expected to spend $25,000 on home repairs and learn that it will only cost $10,000. When we don’t get an expectation we didn’t want, we don’t feel Disappointment, we feel Relief.

What Did You Expect?

When dealing with the Emotion of Disappointment, the first step is to look to see what you expected. Usually, that is the easy part, and people normally do that without any difficulty. Most us know what we wanted. Maybe we wanted a certain car, or a particular toy, or to attend a certain event, or an invitation to a party. Maybe we thought we were being invited to dinner as it was a business presentation. Maybe we thought something in a relationship meant something when the other person meant something else entirely.

Sometimes it isn’t even a specific thing, but we expected something to be more fun, more exciting, more meaningful or more something. These are the most difficult expectations to really define. We might be Disappointed in a very good movie because after all the hype, we expected spectacular. My wife and I found that a trip to Freeport, Bahamas was nice, but certainly not a grand adventure that one often associates with “Bahamas.” We had a pleasant time, but we are unlikely to return. However, we thoroughly enjoyed our cruise. It was everything we expected.

We might be Disappointed with our marriage because we expected that the romance of the movies, soaps or novels would permeate our entire lives - and unless you know how to create it, it won’t last. It’s like a fire - it will burn out if you don’t know how to properly add fuel to it. (If such a Disappointment exists, see the section on Love and study it carefully - lifelong romance, attraction and a sense of total unity is possible if you know how it works and are willing to be the person and take the actions that make it happen.)

Whatever the expectation, try to define it as best as you can. Be as honest as possible, and be totally willing to admit the expectation even if you find that it was actually ridiculous, even if you think it means that you’re selfish or greedy, and even if it reveals a part of you that you would rather not face. Without total honesty, the emotion can’t do you any good - and that’s why it’s there!

Why Did You Expect It?

Once we know what we expected and how we are defining it, we ask ourselves why we had the expectation. When we explore this question, and articulate the answer, we need to listen carefully to what we’re saying and consider if it is reasonable under the circumstances. Why did you think you would graduate? Why did you think you would get an “A”? Why did you expect your spouse to do that particular thing? Why did you expect your children to behave in a certain way? Exactly why did you expect some experience to feel a particular way?

Was Our Expectation Unreasonable?

Sometimes when we analyze life, we discover that our Disappointment has very little to do with someone else or circumstances not working out as they should, but with an unrealistic expectation. We might discover that we had an expectation, but we didn’t have a very good “why” for our expectation. This sort of event means we have a potential disconnect between our predictions of the desired future and the facts.

We might discover that we expected to graduate, but we never confirmed that we had fulfilled the requirements for our degree. Our expectation might have been based on assumptions without checking the facts. We might have thought we did well, but we made mistakes on our final because weren’t as familiar with the material as we believed.

We might never have expressed our desire to our spouse, or they may have forgotten during the day to day grind of life. Men and women often think differently and different things lodge in their minds, and without reminders it is easy for one to forget.

Our children might seldom behave, or they might be excited, or, one of the hardest possibilities to face, we might not have taught them as well as we thought. We mistakenly believed that the fact we told them should mean their young minds will remember and obey, even if their track record shows otherwise. Sometimes despite the fact that we already know that the strategy we’re using consistently doesn’t work, we keep using it because we’re stuck in a pattern of behavior. If we want a different result, we need a different strategy. It might be as simple as waiting until the children are older before we can expect them to understand what we’re trying to teach. It could be dietary, with sugar and caffeine hyping up children that might otherwise behave.

If we analyze our expectation and discover that we have unreasonable expectations, then we know that we need to change our expectations. Sometimes it is just a matter of accounting for more variables, or considering probability. If you know that there is a 50/50 chance of something happening your way, should you feel Disappointment if it does not occur? You might have preferred it to go your way, but if it doesn’t, you are seldom let down if you knew that it could just as easily go either way.

For instance, the Las Vegas Strip is an incredible street demonstrating what people can build when money is no object. There are eripting volcanoes, massive fountain shows, pirate shows, and much, much more. There are so many free things to do and see that it can boggle the mind. How did it get there? Because enough people lose enough money for the casinos to build those fabulous sites. The casinos put so much money into those attractions because they expect to make a profit on the people who will come see the free thing and then stay and lose money. Despite the abundant evidence that gamblers lose money amounting to millions a month, many people are Disappointed when they lose. They should have expected to lose! That’s why it’s gambling, and that’s why the casinos are so rich!

Goals Set Too High?

Sometimes unreasonable expectations are a matter of setting goals too high. People will often say things like “Don’t get your hopes up” as a means of avoiding Disappointment. If you always expect the worst, Disappointment is seldom likely. Either you will get what you expected, or you will get something better. However, this strategy for dealing with Disappointment is also self-destructive.

The principle of self-fulfilling prophecy will cause the worst to happen more frequently than it should if we always expect the worst. Preparing for it, though, is different than expecting it. Preparation is an acknowledgment of possibility, while expectation is an anticipation of a highly probable outcome. The saying “Expect the best; prepare for the worst” defines an appropriate approach. We are aware of possibilities and probabilities, but we still aim high.

Disappointment to Supercharge Future Performance

What you should actually learn from Disappointment if you discover your goals were set too high is a careful analysis of the process you used to produce your goal and how the process and your intended goal relate. There might be assumptions in the process used and the goals expected that aren’t based in reality. This can be a learning experience of cause and effect, of process and result, that can be a powerful tool for future achievement. If you wallow in the Emotion of Disappointment, then this lesson can easily be missed. If you use it to learn, then it can supercharge future performance.

For example, a woman trying to lose 20 pounds to fit into a dress might lose 10 pounds in a week - largely due to body cleansing and water loss - but mistakenly assume that she can keep up that pace for one more week by continuing to starve herself. If she doesn’t understand that the first week includes cleansing and losing water, she will be Disappointed that she will probably only lose 2 or 3 pounds in the second week. She might also feel Disappointment when she finds that she gains the weight back, and more, when she simply returns to her old diet, not realizing that starvation diets lower the metabolism.

If she uses this experience to learn more about how her body works, she might discover that one or two pounds a week would be more reasonable, and dieting results in additional weight gain over time in the vast majority of cases. If she wants to look slim, spreading out healthy food throughout the day, water, and exercise will produce her desired result.

When We;re Reasonable, We Learn

If we have analyzed our expectation and determine what we expected and why, and we conclude that our expectation was reasonable, then the next step is to seek the reason our expectation was not fulfilled. Sometimes expectations aren’t fulfilled, but it has nothing to do with failure, but ordinary variables that frequently interfere with life’s events and accomplishments. Often, there is nothing we can do about these. The adage of “A problem without a solution isn’t a problem, it’s a fact of life” applies here. What we learn is that next time, to the extent possible, we need to factor in those variables to our expectation.

When someone else has Disappointed us, we learn what we expected from them and we also learned that they don’t live up to those expectations. If we have considered why we expected a thing and discovered that our expectation was reasonable - they told us they would give us something or do something for us - and what we did should have done to produce the result - we were where we were supposed to be when we supposed to be there - then we have learned.

We must carefully consider what, exactly, we have learned about them. Often we jump to wrong and destructive conclusions. We might conclude that we’ve learned that they really don’t care about us, or we might think that we’ve learned that something is obviously wrong with us. These are destructive assumptions. Without more evidence, we should not make destructive assumptions. Objectively, we have learned that under the circumstances that existed, that the person is the sort of human being who will not do what we expected him or her to do.

The question for us to consider is whether or not there were extenuating circumstances. If there was an emergency, then how often do emergencies of that magnitude happen? If someone is a physician on call, then interruptions are highly likely. Some physicians have paid to see a movie as many as 8 times before actually getting to sit through an entire showing. If someone had a rare family emergency, then it might not ever happen again. Maybe the person is forgetful. Maybe the person isn’t normally forgetful, but he got distracted by something and then forgot. Only by talking with the person can you really know.

How Can You Help?

When you talk to them, simply ask what happened, and whatever the explanation, try to find out how often that happens. Then figure out what you can do about it, if anything. If someone has failed to live up to a reasonable expectation, is there anything you can do to help? Would it be useful if you called them before the meeting? Would it help if you made sure they wrote themselves a note about the laundry they promised to pick up? Maybe it should be stuck to their steering wheel. Would it help if you asked them to call you before meeting somewhere so you can make certain they are actually on the way? Develop a solution so you can participate in making certain your reasonable expectations are fulfilled.

Self-Disappointment

When we have Disappointed ourselves, that’s where the process-result analysis becomes an enormously powerful tool. As we analyze what we did and how it did or did not produce our intended result, or how it is or is not producing the desired result, we know that what we thought would work is not working. That information is our cue to change our process. If we have been able to anticipate that the result is not going to be produced early enough, a change in process might be enough to help us get there, or at least get closer. We may need more information, we may need more intensity, or we may need more time.

In any event, we need to adjust our expectation to account for our current analysis. We may not be able to make it too our goal from here. A change in circumstances, finances, family status or other structure life changes might make previous goals unreasonable or impossible. If so, we need to restructure our goals and process from the situation in which we find ourselves. This is why monitoring our progress is so important. Our goals need to have some flexibility in them to account for the variables of real life.

Maybe You ARE On Track

One final note on feeling as though we will not achieve a result: you might be wrong. You might be judging the situation to soon. In some areas, especially areas with compounding success, it might not look like it’s going well when it is. Using an investment fund for an example, if you invest $500 a month at about 10% interest expecting it to turn to more than one million dollars in 30 years (having then put in $180,000), you might be disappointed to discover that at the ten year mark you only have $100,000. With one third the time up, you’ve only achieved one tenth of the result. That looks like a big sacrifice to be failing!

However, due to the power of compounding interest, you are actually right on track. If you kept it up for the next 20 years, you would achieve a retirement account in excess of $1,000,000. That’s because this is an area in which success compounds. That $100,000 is earning interest and will double, on average, every seven years. With the addition of $500 a month on top of that, the $1,000,000 is clearly in sight. Where success can be compounding, you must take that into account.