Note that this utilizes the definition of Eros used in the Love Stack, so the material is appropriate for singles and teens. All materials copyright 2003, Scot Conway.
MASTERING EROS
Agape Love is unconditional. That means there is nothing we can do to earn or unearn it. Absolutely nothing we do affects it, all we can do is exceed its limits or stay within them. We can make it easy or hard to Agape us based upon our conduct, but the amount of Agape depends upon the character of the person who is Agape Loving.
Phileo is conditional. That means that what we do affects our Phileo relationships. While many things are objectively pleasurable or painful, there are many more that are matters of personal opinion. While everyone might agree that inflicting physical pain or screaming at someone is painful, not everyone agrees on issues like music styles, drinking, smoking, dancing, shopping, and many other opinions. This means that something that builds a Phileo relationship with one person might not do so with another.
Eros is also conditional. While Phileo is built up over time and lingers based upon accumulated pleasures and pains, Eros exists in the moment. Eros is a total “now” emotion, though it may last for a time, when the stimulation ends, the Eros intensity also fades. Eros is maintained for long periods only by constant stimulation or mental focus. When mental focus changes to something else, the Eros intensity vanishes.
Just as Phileo is different from person to person with many constants, so it is with Eros. Though we use Eros to mean emotional passion, sexual or otherwise, a clear example of how momentary and transient Eros is can be found in the sexual arena. It can be a romantic night, with dinner, dancing, and a romantic mood set. The husband and wife can clearly be having a passionate evening that is steadily building to a sexual finale.
How much of an interruption in mood will it take to destroy the momentum of the evening? A phone call at the wrong moment? The children needing something? A distraction from an unfinished work matter? A single insensitive gesture? A single critical comment? It can take very, very little to pop that balloon.
This means that when we work in the realm of Eros, we must be careful about things that pull us away. That is why a husband and wife might enjoy vacations together so much. The likelihood of the inopportune phone call diminishes. The probability of children interrupting drops to next to nothing. Being alone on a romantic getaway leaves just the two of them and allows them a structure that makes romance easier. It allows them to focus on one another and on a wonderful time, perhaps with the trip itself carrying so much meaning that the very fact of having it lends itself to a prolonged Eros experience.
Eros has to do with intensity. To Eros a car, we’re talking about passion, desire, almost a lustful kind of feeling. We are not talking about looking at a car and intellectually concluding that it is practical. Few family cars inspire the kind of Eros passion as an incredible, high performance, high end sports car - at least until you look at the sticker price, the gas mileage, the maintenance costs... That is Eros, and if you want it, you have to be willing to pay the price and do so joyfully.
Eros with our friends and marriage partners is similar. You have to either find something that is mutually exciting, or something that the other person finds exciting. Some people chase these moments, always looking for the rush of adrenalin from night surfing, sky diving, bungee jumping, snow boarding, or any number of exciting activities that are nothing but pure fun to them. There is certainly something to be said for moments of pure fun, the kind of moments that remind you that you are truly alive and life has within it these moments of pure fun.
Finding these activities can be difficult. Anything done monotonously will lose it’s Eros appeal. Even the single most intimate and intense physical activity two people can do with one another, sex, can become monotonous and a chore if it is not charged with romance and passion, with play and fun and mutual giving.
Eros can be a very personal thing. Someone might experience a perfect moment finding some great treasure on sale at a department store, and for that person, that is an Eros moment. If that is what really excites someone, then keep an eye out for especially good sales and join them in their quest.
My wife and I had gone on quests around town searching for a particular flavor Slurpee at 7-11, driving around to half a dozen of them before finding the elusive flavor she particularly craved. The drive was accompanied by dramatic commentary the whole time. “My lady shall have her treasure!” I declared, “for this brave knight shall not stop until the quest is complete and what she desires is hers!” It was fun, and we still talk about those nights.
Which brings us to another powerful point. Eros moments, those moments of pure fun, those times of unique playfulness that exist for nothing other than pleasure, make for great Phileo Love Account builders. While those driving quests for her craved flavor was not as momentous a commitment as the work I do daily or even installing a new sink in the bathroom, it had particular value as memorable and purely fun, and whenever we talk about them it triggers her memory, sparks a smile and a twinkle in her eye, and I get points.
If someone has a hectic life, an Eros moment may not be something we find exciting, but a moment of pure peace. Find a woman who is frazzled around the edges, struggling to hang on to multiple competing responsibilities to a dozen important jobs, none of which ever seem to give her a moment to breathe... what will she desire? Chances are a few hours of peace and quiet would be an Eros moment for her. A loving husband who invested in a day spa afternoon for his wife while he watched the kids, got some friends to help clean the house, and took her out to a nice dinner would probably find he has built a memory a loving wife will never forget.
Eros has many dangers. Among them are the transient nature of passion. It doesn’t take much to pop an inflating Eros balloon. Eros is also a very personal thing, and finding mutual Eros experiences can be challenging. What is exciting to one person might be terrifying to the other. What is pure fun for someone might be total boredom for another. One person might want to explore and play in the bedroom and the spouse might think it sick and disgusting.
Also among the dangers are how easily even the most passionate thing can become monotonous if done too often, and done the same way. This sometimes leads to pushing father and father, always reaching for more, seeking the next adrenalin rush, the next fantastic sensation. This can sometimes lead to dangerous behaviors, to the destruction of relationships, or to irresponsibility.
This is often the case if Eros is ever sought beyond the Phileo relationship. Remember the Love Stack. Eros should never be more than the Phileo. Those relationships never last. You must either scale back the Eros or build up the Phileo or the relationship with self destruct. Also, you should never have more Eros than Agape. If that happens, the person will be too tempted to run away from responsibilities and seek the carefree life of pure fun. The wife given the gift of a complete day off with day spa pampering, a clean home and a nice dinner, if she lacked character, could easily fixate on that moment and want to run away from life.
Sometimes the most intimate or unusual Eros desires are hard to share. It takes trust, a strong Agape foundation, an understanding partner, and careful consideration before some of these can be shared. This is not always sexual in nature. How could a woman explain that few things thrill her more than finding that perfect pair of shoes, the shoes that look just like any of a hundred similar shoes to anyone else, but she knows that she found the perfect pair? It takes a certain amount of intimacy, trust and mutual understanding before such odd things can be shared.
Then there are the idiosyncratic things, the sort of things that would seem odd to anyone because they do not seem to go together. How could a martial arts master, professional, highly educated man explain to his friends that one of his greatest pleasures is a well drawn comic book? Sometimes these things don’t seem to match, and out of fear of losing respect, they are kept secret.
The intimate desires are also difficult to share. When Eros desires start to stray into the realm of the sexual, when a husband and wife, already committed to one another for life, start to explore the details of what pleases and does not please their partner, many couples squirm. It is easier to follow the path of least resistance and accept monotony and boredom rather than risk criticism and possible rejection. When the discussion moves beyond that to what fantasies each has and might like to fulfill, what things a partner might like to try, it can be scary. It can also easily become fodder for later, used to claim perversion when that would be useful in a fight.
Sharing Eros desires, learning Eros desires from others, often requires intimate trustworthiness. We should not share with whom we know we cannot trust with the information, nor should be expect for a friend or spouse to share with us unless we have proven our commitment to them and they know that they can trust that we will still respect them.
Note of Warning: We must also consider that sometimes there is a problem with Eros desires. Just because someone has an Eros desire does not mean that it ought to be fulfilled. Someone sexually attracted to children must deal with that and never, ever seek to fulfill it. Someone who wants to know what it feels like to kill someone should not seek to find out. There are many things that some otherwise reasonably well adjusted adults might find as a momentary impulse that ought never be explored, never experienced, never sought... ever. We must be aware of these and if we know that something ought not be done, then we must flee it like the poison it is, or it will destroy us and it may take others with us.
If we find those especially pure Eros moments of pleasure and fun, we must not seek them too often. If we seek intense Eros too often, we start to need more and more. It always takes something bigger, better and more intense for us to have the same thrill. It is far better to space them out and savor them, to remember them and dwell upon them, to experience them in our heart and mind with fond memories. Then the experience will retain its value.
We must also avoid doing Eros things on a routine schedule. If we do, it loses it’s excitement. If we do, it falls away from Eros and falls into Phileo, and then it becomes normal and expected. That often means it gets taken for granted and is no longer valued. If that happens, then not only does it lose its Eros value, it could also lose its Phileo value. However, if it ever stops, that will bring pain and a withdrawal in the Phileo account.
Eros is supposed to be exciting, unique and special. It might be repeated, often by surprise. There should always be a touch of wonder about when or if such a thing will happen again anytime soon. To do otherwise would drop it from Eros to Phileo, and if that relationship is strong and you need the spice of Eros to make the relationship more fun, you do not want to sabotage your efforts by destroying its value.