Emotion: Guilt

Meaning: 1) We have standards we consider important, AND
2) We perceive that we’ve violated one of those standards.

Guilt is Power

Guilt is one of the best Emotions because it involves your feelings about your own actions. Because Guilt is all about you, it means that you have the fault, and therefore the power. Billy Graham was once asked about why people feel so guilty. His answer was simple and to the point, “Because they’re guilty.” This is very often the case, and when you feel Guilt, it does very often mean you are guilty of doing wrong, and you know it.

Guilt can drive people to do many stupid things. Very often, for example, parents who divorced feel Guilt and then spoil their children or let them get away with things a parent should never allow. The Guilt at tearing apart the home, of leaving the other parent, of denying them a proper home then causes the Guilt-ridden parent to then deny the child any meaningful parenting at all. It is a continuation of violating the very standard that lead to the Guilt in the first place.

So we can see that Guilt, like many emotions, tends to create a natural reflex that is directly opposite what we ought to do. If we understand the feeling, we can deal with it more effectively and it can be a powerful personal growth and character tool.

What Did You Do?

The first step when you feel Guilt is to explore exactly what it is that you did that is making you feel Guilt. Sometimes people will send us on “guilt trips” as a means of manipulation, to make us feel bad for not doing whatever selfish thing they desire by defining it for us. “I’m your mother and I raised you and took care of you for years and years, and this is how you repay me?” might be one tactic. Sometimes it’s valid. Sometimes it isn’t. That’s a determination you need to make.

For example, one young lady was reading her Bible and came across 1 Timothy 2:9 which talks about a woman’s adornment not being external. She suddenly felt tremendous Guilt because she wore makeup and sometimes wore nice dresses. The reason she felt Guilt was because her highest standard was to obey God in all that He wanted her to do, and when she read that verse she felt she might have been violating what God wanted for her as a woman.

It was after a meeting with her pastor that she learned differently, and returned to wearing her normal, modest amount of makeup. Although churches may disagree on this subject, learning something different than how she interpreted the verse alleviated her Guilt.

What Is the Rule?

Once we know, objectively, what we did, we need to consider the standard. Articulate the standard. In the woman above, her standard was “obedience to God.” She had objective facts: wearing makeup and nice dresses. She had an articulable standard. When she approached her pastor, the question was one of whether the factual actions really violated the standard.

When we feel guilty, we have to really think about the actual standard. Often, it’s not as easy as we might like, and sometimes we discover we have conflicting standards. A mother knew she was doing the right thing, but her daughter was in tears because she didn’t get her way. In typical fashion, she screamed many hurtful things that expressed her displeasure. On one hand, the mother had concluded the right thing to do, but because her daughter was so upset she felt guilty because she had a rule that said a mommy is never supposed make her child so upset. She spent a lot of time talking to her friends seeking advice and receiving reassurance that she was doing the right thing. However, it took the daughter learning and behaving properly thereafter before the mother felt certain that it was worth it.

We have to determine what we did and whether what we did was the right thing, and someone is trying to make us feel Guilt for doing the right thing, or whether we have actually violated our standard. After we determine what standard we violated and why we think our behavior violated that standard, we can determine if what we did was actually wrong.

We Change Our Standard, or We Change Our Behavior

When we feel Guilt, we have two choices: Either we change our standard, or we change our behavior. If we do not do one or the other, we will continue to make ourselves feel Guilt.

When we think about our standards, it is often tempting to say things to ourselves like “It’s not that bad,” or “I’m being old fashioned,” or “Everyone does it.” These are excuses. If the standard is that anything “not that bad” is okay, then we should consider what that means for us, the people with whom we choose to associate, and for our children (present or future) and what philosophy we are seeking to support.

Consider, for instance, sexual behavior. If we engage in premarital sex under the guise “I know it’s not the best, but it’s not that bad,” then where is the line? Who decided that? What if our partner has a different line? When we start to define our own morality, we run the very real risk of justifying others creating their own rules when it comes to their dealing with us. These cases put us in a position of always having to explore the rules intentionally because there may be no agreement on the rules without such discussions, and possibly self-serving deceit even if a discussion is had.

These would be cases in which we change the standard to avoid the feeling. However, if we feel Guilt because we’re guilty, then we shouldn’t change the standard. We should change the behavior. However, must consider that the standard might really be the problem.

We Might Need to Change the Standard

Here is one of the biggest problems with Guilt as a feeling. It tells you that either you have something wrong in your standard, or something wrong in your behavior. Often the problem is in the standard. It might be the standard itself, or it might be how we define whether we have successfully adhered to our standard. This is something we must weigh carefully, because Guilt tells us what we regard as most important in our behavior.

If we learn to simply dismiss our Guilt without careful consideration, we sear our conscience, and in searing our conscience we become desensitized to right and wrong. Our standards start to become too flexible and we lose any consistent sense of right and wrong. Right and wrong, then, end up being determined in our conscience by what we wish it to be rather than any objective standard.

A mother might feel Guilt for leaving her child in school when the child wants to stay with her and not go to school. Her standard might be that she should never do anything that causes her child pain unless he needs to be punished - so, since school isn’t meant to be punishment - she feels Guilt because she feels she’s causing pain to her child when he did nothing wrong. That tells her that she needs to modify her standard. She needs to consider that sometimes she will cause her child pain when she is doing the right thing, and that doing what is best for the child is more important than how the child feels in any given moment. A tetanus shot might hurt, but if that is what will keep a child healthy, would we withhold it?

Most people who feel Guilt often have standards stemming directly or indirectly from a religion or philosophy. In fact, some might even say that religious people are exceptionally gifted in their ability to experience Guilt and in their desire to heap it upon others. Thus a brief exploration of religious issues is important.

Religious Standards

When we consider whether or not something we did is right or wrong, spiritual people have to consider God’s Word, and we all have to consider practical consequences.

Whatever our moral authority, whether the Torah, the Bible, the Koran or even as shaky a foundation as moral relativism, we have to really think through our morality. Religious foundations are also much more shaky than we might expect in more areas than we might expect. We have to be careful that we aren’t taking things out of context, or picking and choosing our favorite pieces of our religioun because it’s convenient to justify what we want. Remember, every religion is full of hypocrites - and we should strive to avoid being one of them.

If God says something is wrong, it’s wrong. However, there is some question about whether God said particular things are wrong. Is it wrong to have sex outside of marriage? Is homosexual practice wrong? The Bible is pretty clear that any sexual practice involving a partner who is not your spouse of the opposite sex is morally wrong. If there is Guilt for violating that standard, that would be normal and expected.

However, does the Bible say it’s wrong to eat pork? In the Old Testament, yes, but in the New Testament, food rules were specifically repealed (most clearly in Mark 7:19), so food no longer has spiritual consequences, only physical consequences. Those physical consequences, though, might be enough to make us feel Guilt for mistreating our own body.

But what about the “gray areas,” those areas unaddressed by the Bible? Or what about those areas in which reasonable people may differ? What about dancing, drinking, women wearing women’s slacks or pants, joining the military, participating in politics? What about music, driving cars, recreation time, what jobs we ought to have?

All these things are subject to debate, and those on one side or another of the debate are sometimes adamant about “God’s will.” So if one of your highest standards is obedience to God, what do you do? Do you follow your understanding of Scripture? Do you obey your clergyman? Do you follow your denomination? If that is your standard, how do you, and how will you, define whether or not you are obeying God?

My wife and I are Christians. We pray together daily, read our Bible daily, and when we have a question about what a passage means our first recourse is to consult the original language and word by word translations of what it actually says. We make certain assumptions based upon Scripture, notably that we have freedom in Christ, that the strong in faith have more freedom than the weak in faith (for those who want the Scripture basis of that assumption, Romans 14 is the clearest reference).

We also assume that anything that is not of faith is sin, so even if we are uncertain about the Bible’s position, we do not do what makes us feel Guilt. For instance, I cannot put my Bible on the ground. This stems from a martial arts protocol that I do not put my Black Belt on the ground as a show of respect for the knowledge the belt represents. Since I respect the Word of God more than my belt, I do not place my Bible on the ground either. When I use it on the ground, I always put something underneathe it. This has nothing to do with a Biblical mandate to keep the Bible off the ground.

However, in our freedom, we often keep it from view of others that might be stumbled or offended by our freedom. If something is often considered an issue for others, we do our best to keep it from the eyes of those that might be tempted to violate their conscience. In that way we seek to protect those whose sensibilities are far more sensitive than ours.

Thus we have a fairly consistent standard to determine what is Scripturally right and wrong, and a starting place in our study. Because of our reliance on the original language and the fact we’ve both read the Bible cover to cover several times, we have a great deal of comfort that our interpretations are sound and reasonable, even if we cannot always know if they are exactly right.

When We Violated a Good Standard

If we find that we have violated our own highest standards, if we have done something evil or immoral or against the character we intend to have and maintain, then we must make an absolute commitment never to do such a thing again. We must allow ourselves to feel the full impact of the Guilt and associate it with the wrong thing we did. Then we must repent, that is, turn from our sins, agree that what we did was wrong, pray for forgiveness from God if we have faith, ask forgiveness of others if necessary (often Guilt has to do with something we did with or to someone else), put it right if possible (if we stole, we must repay), and we must also forgive ourselves.

It may also be a good idea to pray earnestly for anyone we have wronged that our wrong actions might not cause harm in their lives. If we know that there are repercussions, sometimes there is nothing we can do about it, but depending upon the consequence, we may have responsibilities there. The responsibilities may be ongoing, and we should live up to them.

Religion Backwards

Interestingly, for religious people, God is the considered the only source of eternal forgiveness, the only one who will always forgive and wipe us clean of our sins. Yet, there is a natural tendency to want to hide from Him when we do something wrong. The very Being TO whom a person of faith ought to run instead becomes the first Being we run FROM. That’s backwards, of course, and that impulse should tell us something about our honest, emotional perception of our God. If He is who the Bible says He is, which direction ought we run when we break His rules? To Him, of course. Running away shows something about our faith.

ADHERING TO OUR STANDARDS

When we fall, it never surprises God, but it does often surprise us. Through violating our own highest standards of goodness, morality, or character we have learned that we are not as strong in an area as we thought. We took one step too far - just one. The ultimate problem might be many steps beyond what was that one step too many for us.

We need to find where that step is for us, and we need to back away. The problem isn’t often at the moment of consummation of a wrong, but at the moment where you no longer have the strength of character to say no. That place may be different for everyone.

If the problem is sexual temptation, there are some people who have the strength to say no without any regard to the temptation. They can walk right up to the line of sexual immorality and turn around without a thought. There are others who can hardly speak with a member of the opposite sex without finding themselves wishing they could engage in immoral acts. The first person might be able to safely navigate the most compromising of situations without difficulty, while the second would have to make absolutely certain that he or she never allows the opportunity to arise.

Sometimes we may think that we’re closer to the first than the second, thinking ourselves morally strong, but experience teaches us otherwise. When that happens, we know we must back off. When in doubt, back off farther than necessary. If we weigh the costs of failing to maintain our standards and determine that the cost is enormous, that it may cost our career, our marriage, damage our children and our integrity, then we know we must err on the side of caution. It is better to be too safe than not safe enough when matters of great import are at stake.

If even the appearance or a false accusation could destroy our work or damage our lives, we must walk especially carefully. While Billy Graham undoubtedly had the moral fiber to resist temptation, he made a choice that he would never be alone with a woman other than his wife, thus eliminating not only the possibility of actually falling, but the possibility of a false accusation as well. He made the accusation impossible to sustain.

Many people in positions in which accusations can have power take steps to make certain there are no opportunities to do something immoral. The lack of opportunity isn’t just to protect them - perhaps they have no such inclination at all - but to protect them from false accusations. If something is impossible, it will be difficult to sustain an accusation.

MORAL STRENGTH

One danger, however, of creating safety in morals or standards by backing far, far away from any possible fall is that we can actually facilitate our own weakness. One young lady, as a physical example, had a weak shoulder. Her solution was simple: don’t strain the shoulder. “Use it or lose it” is especially applicable in the area of muscular strength, and since she never exercised her shoulder, it grew weaker and weaker.

Moral strength is similar. Pastor Nathan Daniel uses a tree analogy, noting that a tree will fall over if a stake is used too long and suddenly withdrawn. It needs to be slowly taken farther away. Children are much the same. If they are protected from all temptation so they never have to make a moral decision, and then they are suddenly thrust out in the adult world for college, or after graduation, and they have no defenses, no strength of character to withstand temptation. When we raise our children, we have to allow them progressive levels of freedom, testing them at each level until they grow comfortable and secure, and then giving them a little more freedom. This way, by the time they are thrust out in the world, they have some practice making those decisions and sticking to their standards.

Even as adults, we have to behave similarly. We can’t just hide from all temptation forever, not if we want to be able to withstand temptation when it comes. There are some areas in which we have to allow ourselves to be tested, and as we grow accustomed to a certain level of stimulation without it being a problem, we can move on. If we are sometimes tempted to steal, we should not expose ourselves to temptations we cannot bear, but as we grow accustomed to not taking the small thing we might like, we can steadily grow more accustomed to greater and greater temptations until we won’t be tempted even if we had the chance to easily embezzle or steal tens of thousands of dollars that could get us out of a financial disaster.

Guilt drives us to behave ourselves. Forgiving ourselves does not mean we behave as though we never fell. We forgive ourselves, but we move on with the new knowledge we have about our strengths and weaknesses. We restructure our lives so we don’t fall again, finding that safe distance from wrong, that moral place where we can say no and still mean it. We work to build our strength, to grow increasingly accustomed to the temptations that are normal and ordinary living in this world, in this culture, in the lives we have.

GUILT FROM THE EVIL OF OTHERS

Sometimes Guilt comes when someone else did something wrong to us, but we still feel Guilt. Rape victims, certainly, and robbery and sometimes even burglary victims sometimes feel Guilt even though it was the criminal that did evil. Parents often feel Guilt when something happens to their children, even if they did not expose their children to any unusual danger. Husbands often feel Guilt when something happens to their wives. This Guilt tells you that there is something in your highest standards that tells you that you should have been able to prevent the criminal act, somehow.

This standard needs careful scrutiny. Unwisely trying to adhere to this standard can be incredibly destructive. One solution is to never again allow possible danger. Another is to be suspicious of all people and turn your home into a fortress, living in constant fear.

However, sometimes counseling will tell you that there was nothing you could have done. That is a position of powerlessness. Children who are victimized are sometimes powerless to do anything to prevent the situation in the immediate future, but adults can usually do something. Among them is an acceptance that the world has a certain level of danger, and sometimes the risks inherent in life will cause us harm. This is true when Guilt comes because a child was involved in an accident or a home was burglarized.

Sometimes Guilt is your Emotions telling you that there is something you can do. Sometimes the feeling “I should have done something” is your reminder that you didn’t do something because you didn’t know what to do. The question, then, is how do you learn what to do? How do you learn to stay safe without pushing people away? How do you stay safe without automatically treating everyone as a potential threat? How can you face your fear of being a victim again without having your fear harm others?

Whatever your solution, you need to keep in mind that the solution may take some time. If you study martial arts, self defense skill is not instant, nor will every martial art properly train you for modern criminal defense. Also, do not get overconfident, placing your trust in the fact that you now own a firearm if you do not also know how to use it quickly and accurately with good judgment. Do not think that shooting another human being will be easy when you look him in the eye and consider whether or not you will squeeze the trigger, nor should we be confident that if we pull the trigger we will kill him.

If the Guilt comes from someone else being harmed, such a child or spouse, or someone else for whom we feel some responsibility, we must be aware that we cannot spend every moment, awake and asleep, watching over them. How can we keep them safe? If we have already taken reasonable steps to provide for their safety, we may be able to assure ourselves that we have already done all we should, even if we have not done everything possible. If not, then perhaps we need to take steps that are reasonable under the circumstances.

Perhaps we need to provide martial arts lessons or self defense courses for our spouse or children. Maybe we need to make them aware that we can’t always be there for them, difficult if we have spent a lot of time trying to convince them otherwise, and help them learn the skills to watch out for themselves. Sometimes it can as simple as a wireless phone so you can stay in touch more easily if there is an emergency. Maybe you need better locks or an alarm, depending upon your neighborhood and the nature of the most probable threats. Whatever it is, sometimes the Guilt isn’t that we didn’t do the impossible or unreasonable to protect them, but that we have not adequately helped them prepare to protect themselves.

After you’ve looked to see what you might reasonably be able to do to prevent the tragedy that triggered the Guilt from happening again, or if you determine that you have already done so, then you treat the feeling as though you had an improper standard if the feeling does not go away. Most importantly, you have to forgive yourself.

WHEN YOU SHOULD, BUT YOU DON’T

One comment that I’ve heard often is this: “I don’t feel guilty, but I do feel guilty that I don’t feel guilty.” What this means is that someone had recognized that he has done something for which Guilt would be a normal and expected feeling, but he doesn’t feel it. The lack of feeling Guilt is what brings the Guilt. This is essentially a realization that you think you ought to have a standard that you do not have. If upon reflection you decide that this is so, then you should start living by the standard you know ought to govern your life even if Guilt is not the driving force. This become a matter of Will, of choice, not of Emotion. When the standard finally seeps into you unconscious, then your Emotions will process violation of this standard as Guilt. There is no need to test this, however.

When anyone does not feel Guilt, it means they have no standard telling them they ought not do a thing. This may arise from selfishness. This may also arise from an ideology that allows for such conduct, or, perhaps, they have redefined what they did so it is not wrong. People who literally feel the world revolves around what they want, whether they would ever admit it, will seldom, if ever, feel Guilt when they are getting what they want. People whose ideology allows for promiscuity as social recreation are unlikely to feel Guilt over following their own morality. If what was once called perversion is redefined as simply an alternative lifestyle, then there will not be any Guilt.

Sometimes these changes are valid. Sometimes they aren’t. They must be carefully and wisely considered and a conclusion drawn. If what is clearly wrong is redefined as just another choice, that doesn’t make it right. However, if undue attacks are leveled at one sin and not others, such as attacking homosexuality but not heterosexual fornication and adultery, then we are judging between sins - and against which does the Bible speak more frequently?

Traditionally, Christians, like any other group, have tried to enforce their religious rules on others who are not members of their group. At one time in Connecticut, birth control was illegal because the state was controlled by Catholics. In some hard line Muslim nations, the religious law is enforced by the government even on those who are not Muslims. Dry counties arose as a result of some Protestant teachings and Prohibition was passed because the convictions of one group sought to use the force of law to control others who did not agree. Those with one standard of behavior tend to think that others should feel Guilt when there is nothing in the rules of others to cause that. When the other group does not, there is a tendency to think that there is something wrong or depraved about the other group that needs to be changed. Maybe there is. Maybe there isn’t.

Sometimes God makes rules that He does not enforce. He said that a king should only have one wife, but when David and later Solomon accumulated wives, for all the times the prophets or God came to them, not once was this brought up. They did not repent of doing so. The issue was commanded, but then ignored. The rule was for us, not a sin against Him. Most of the time, though, He lays down moral rules of right and wrong. Man has a habit of expanding on those rules. In the New Testament, that was the sin of the Pharisees. Man has not changed much. The biggest difference is that we can be forgiven when we get it wrong, but we should always seek to get it right. In the meantime, we need to seek right, avoid wrong, allow for our own and other’s mistakes, and understand that God gave us Guilt for us to learn and behave correctly.