Affection is romance, the caring and loving evidence in a romantic night out, cards for no special occassion, flowers, loving notes, dancing by moonlight, cuddling before bed, breakfast in bed, song dedications, poetry, grand gestures, and playfulness. Affection is how women know they are cherished. Romance tells a woman she is valuable, that he feelings are important, that a man wants to sweep her off her feet and give her the world, the moon, the sun and the stars. Romance is part love, part honor, part respect, and part fantasy.
Consider what women watch on television. Consider the movies marketted to them. Consider the books women buy by the thousands. Just as men seem obsessed with the form of a beautiful woman, women are equally smitten with romance. The most pragmatic of women might dismiss romantic notions as foolish or impractical, both of which are often true, but that doesn’t mean that she won’t crave it as much as the next woman. It is often the place occupied by a woman once burned by romance that lead to being used. While the form of the affection desired will vary from person to person, the need for affection is universal.
One morning a wife emerged from her shower to find the bed already made. Then she found that he had made breakfast, and though the food was simple, the presentation was romantic. He had set up breakfast on the back patio, with a lace tablecloth, a rose, piano music and favorite love songs playing on a small CD player, and he dressed up for her. He wore a nice button down shirt and a coat, not the suit and tie of business, but a nice, still casual outfit. As he seated her and served her, he told her that he wanted her to feel cherished.
It wasn’t even just the presentation of the food. During the meal he told her how much he appreciated her, how much her presence in his life meant to him, and how his whole world changed when she married him. He talked of how he loved her more every day, and he wanted to express the kind of loving and cherishing to her this morning that he felt in his heart every day. He even did the dishes. That night, after work, he took her out to a movie to finish their “Cherishing Day.”
Not only did she feel cherished, but when she told her girlfriends about it, they were in awe of how loved she was by her husband. It is affectionate moments like this that boost a woman’s status among her friends, that show that the most important man in her life treasures her more than anything.
Every man knows the effect romance can have on a woman. If a man wants to seduce a woman into bed, he knows the way to the bedroom is paved with romance. Women can sometimes be forced into compromising situations by emotional coercion, by imposing on her godliness or manipulating her with guilt. A man after sex and power might use these tactics, but any man who intends to cultivate desire in a woman’s heart knows to use romance.
A man who wants to woo a woman knows the strategies of romance. He even knows that while he might not know a particular woman’s personal desires, that if he uses all the Love Languages, all the modalities - visual, auditory and kinesthetic - and plays to her personality and the needs of women, and he is especially and above all romantic, that his chances of getting exactly what he wants are greatly increased.
How much more ought these same strategies and tactics be used when the objective is not to seduce or woo, but to please and fulfill. Romance is not just about getting what a man wants from a woman by giving her what she wants, it’s just about giving her what she wants - expecting nothing in return. It is giving to give, giving to show love, giving to show respect and honor and cherishing. When romance always has strings, it becomes suspect. When it is freely given, then it is treasured and appreciated.
GETTING ROMANCE
Most men are admittedly rather inept at romance. Those who possess romantic skills most often honed those skills as single men and the prowl, and oddly, the commitment they make to their wives often causes them to step away from the strategies that once wooed her. Romance is the province of single men, they often silently feel. Responsibility and commitment are the hallmarks of a married man.
Of course in a woman’s heart, romance would be most appreciated as the ultimate expression of man who loves her. It behooves a man not to supplant romance with responsibility, but to add the characteristics of a husband to those qualities that lead her to fall in love with him in the first place. Even if a man did not liberally shower her with romance in courtship, it shows great cherishing to do so after the wedding day.
A woman who wants romance must know how to get it. Unfortunatley, woman are often as bad at getting it as men are giving it, a viscious and sad cycle. Inexperienced men often botch romantic gestures, and women lacking the skills to draw forth from their man the thing they want very often quench and kill the very thing they wish to cultivate. One must begin with the end in mind and consider the heart of the man. His spirit must be openned to the idea, and his efforts encouraged and praised if he is to try again.
The first step is to let him know exactly what you want. The old, longstanding and very tired statements like “If I have to tell you, it doesn’t count” and “If you loved me, you’d know” have done more to kill men’s interest in romance than just about anything a woman can do. Likewise are criticisms of his efforts. If he brings roses when you prefer mums, do not insult him for the roses and criticize him because he did not bring you the mums you desire. What effect would you expect that to have? The intent is to get flowers, mums in particular, and killing his desire to do anything is not the way to do that.
Rather, great appreciation for the roses would be in order, great rewards for the romantic gesture, and a promise of even more appreciation if mums were the next flower he brought. Great dividends must be paid for any step in the right direction, for any effort, and gentle lessons given not with criticism or lack of appreciation, but with a promise of appreciation even greater than that already given. Then, when the mums do arrive, that appreciation must be echoed through the relationship, with others told of his thoughtfulness and his razor keen memory that brought you your most cherished flower. The pay off should be so great that he would hunger for more, and now he knows exactly how to get it.
Remember the Phileo Love Bank principle. A single biting remark about how inept a clumbsy first attempt at romance will devastate your balance in his heart as much as four sincere, appreciative remarks would build it. If you want to increase a behavior, then you know you have to build into the account for his effort, no matter how poorly executed. If anything, a climbsy attempt by someone who doesn’t really know how to do it should be applauded all the more. It’s easy for a romantic man to be romantic - but how hard is it for anyone to do something completley alien to them? That takes courage and character, and for an unromantic man to try his hand at romance shows a level of love, devotion and cherishing that is certainly worthy of great admiration.
Also, consider why a man would do a romantic gesture. He’s doing it to try to build into his Phileo Love Bank account in you. If that is the case, then he needs to know that his efforts are accomplishing the intended result. If it is working, he’s likely to keep trying. If it isn’t, he’ll stop. If the first try doesn’t seem to be working, he’ll stop. If any three attempts in a row don’t work, he’ll stop. If he doesn’t get at seven consecutive positive results in a row before he gets a total of three negative reactions, he’ll stop. If he’s gotten negative results before and he’s trying again, it will take twenty one consecutive positive results before he’ll trust that his efforts are worth it.
So the secrets are simple. Make it totally clear what you want in a positive, appreciative and loving way. When he does something remotely close to romantic, thank him, admire him and praise him. If he’s really, really bad at it, tell him how much you appreciate his efforts, “it takes a real man to try something he’s never done before, and I absolutely adore you for it!” Interestingly enough, as you express appreciation, you will feel more appreciative. You will magnify and amplify his efforts and how loving they are in your mind, just as discussed at length in the section on the Phileo Bank Account. If he’s never done anything like this before, don’t expect him to be good at it, but if he continues, which he will if you shower him with appreciation in a way he experiences appreciation, he will continue, and, in time, he will get good at it.