Domestic support has to do with the traditional wifely tasks of cooking, cleaning, laundry, and shopping. These things are so ingrained in society as traditionally female behaviors that if a house is untidy, we tend to think the wife is a poor housekeeper. Even a feminist woman whose husband had the responsibility for the house felt bad because it was not as clean as she wanted and she felt as though she was being judged by her home, not him, even though it was his agreed upon job. Conversely, even at a Mensa party, a single man had a wonderfully decorated and clean house and entertained well, and the women quipped that he must have a secret wife somewhere.
Men generally have domestic support as a need. Some, women in particular, might comment only half in joking that men need domestic support because they can’t do it themselves. It is geneally true that most men have a standard of cleanliness for their home that is somewhat lower than the standard held by most women. Bachelor’s, living alone, are much more likely to have a sloppy home than single women. Men tend to be more functional, and provided the home functions, many of them are perfectly fine leaving it a bit untidy if it means they would have to clean it up themselves. However, given a choice between having their place clean, neat and in order or having it dirty, cluttered and chaotic, they would prefer the former, but only if it means someone else is doing the work. It just isn’t important enough for him to do himself.
Women also have a need for domestic support, but it is often that they want “help” with the tasks they know are traditionally theirs. If the wife works full time, the domestic chores should be shared. It is only fair and reasonable that if the financial situation of the household requires that she work full time to keep the bills paid, either their needs to be a reduction in lifestyle to give her the freedom to come home or work part time, or he needs to arrange to share the domestic duties. Too often working wives end up doing their full time job and then coming home to all the same domestic chores they would have if they were full time homemakers. This is simply not right.
If the man’s success at providing financial support allows her to stay home, and she chooses to work anyway, it may not be fair for her choice to thrust responsibilities upon him because she made a decision. In this case, housekeepers may be in order. Men generally don’t care who cleaned or did laundry, they just like a tidy home and clean clothes to wear.
Something men have to remember about domestic support is that it isn’t as easy as they may think. Doing things day in and day out for years can wear down on someone. If, in addition to the monotony of having to make the same bed or cook one to three times a day, she is faced with complaints, it will not inspire her to give more. It can be tedious, and while certain personality types take great comfort in this sort of activity, others do not. Consideration must be made for this.
Compliments on what is done well should be generously given. Thanks for effort made should be showered upon the spouse who performs these tasks, even if the performance is less than perfect. Also, give a serving spouse a break every now and again. Hire someone to do the house for spring cleaning. An occassional role reversal is also helpful, such as surprise breakfast in bed or doing some of the laundry. If you don’t know how to do so with certainty, do towels and sheets. One time I did my mother a “favor” by doing laundry, but I did not know how to recognize washable from nonwashable (the tags were missing and all my clothes were washable!), and I ruined two or three expensive blouses. She appreciated the effort, but she would have preferred I didn’t ruin her blouses.
When there are children in the home, bear in mind that the home is not likely to be nearly as clean. Children often have this magic power to summon messes into homes, conjuring them from nothing. As a homemaker works her way from one side of the house to the other, the little magic child is managing to turn the home into a virtual dump right behind her. While, of course, it isn’t quite this bad, having an understanding of the effect children have on a home is important, especially for a man who likes a particularly clean and orderly home.