Pastor of Agathos Ministries. Go to www.AgathosMinistries.org
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His Needs, Her Needs, Their Needs
Willard Harley, in his book His Needs, Her Needs, got an exceptional start on an important concept: Men and Women are different! If they are different, it stands to reason that their needs are different. Another important point he made was this: People are individuals. That means that not every man has every male need on top of his list, and not every woman has every female need on top of her list. In my own case, Conversation is a need I have, but it is not a need Wendy has. She has a couple of needs off the male list, and I have some off the female list.
Also, Harley did not explore the concept of mutual needs, titled here as Their Needs.
"His Needs" modified from his list are:
Attractive Partner
Physical Fulfillment Appropriate to the Relationship
Recreational Companionship
Domestic Support
Admiration
"Her Needs are"
Affection
Openess and Honesty
Conversation
Financial Support
Committment to Her, to the Relationship, and to the Family
And expanding from Harley's work, we get the below list of "Their Needs."
Love
Respect
Attention
Cooperation
Play
I had the opportunity to share this information as part of a talk to children (of all groups!) and, suprisingly enough to some adults, many of them understood chunks of it! In fact, it was a fourth graders and a fifth grader that got nearly the whole list with just initials as reminders, and even a second grader did 80% of it! Naturally, it was waterd down a bit. One father leaned to another to ask "Does he realize he's talking to 7 year olds?" (his child was 7), and the other father said "Shh! This is interesting. I want to hear it." In another example, this was one part of what I was sharing in an extended meeting of fathers and Jr. High sons, and after 2 1/2 hours, the Jr. High sons were still listening!
There is a hunger for this kind of information, and since the home and parent relationships are the first laboratory for cross-sex relationships (with the parent of the opposite sex and siblings), even children can benefit from it. When I was young, I learned how to do much of the female list in my relationship with my mother, and that practice has really helped my relationship with my wife. I understand that men and women are different, and I enjoy the differences and seek to fulfill my wife's legitimate needs. She is not a mystery to me, nor am I a mystery to her.
For an important comment on Divorce, please scroll down.
TRADITIONAL MALE NEEDS
The traditional male needs are not exclusively the needs of men. In fact, most women will rank these needs somewhere on their list, with one or two of the traditional male needs frequently in the top five. Just because it may be statistically true that men consider these needs more important, do not discount the high probability that any given woman will feel one or more of these needs. If a need is unmet, there is a tendency to fixate on that need, so anyone who does not have a need met will be likely to feel that need strongly.
However, because these needs are typically male, few men would object if a woman started off with the presumption that he will want an appropriate physical relationship (actually, single men typically want more, though she should not get it), the presumption that he would like her to look her best for him, that he would like her to participate or support his recreation, do domestic things for him, and admire him. Women who start off with the assumption that a man will want the typical male needs will often be right on five of five, and sometimes four of five, but seldom much less than that. Even men who do not have a typical male need are seldom insulted by women who learn to provide it.
TRADITIONAL FEMALE NEEDS
Dealing with the traditional needs of women, according to Harley’s experience, usually gets women hopeful that their husband will learn, but men sometimes worry when they think they may have one of the needs. Women are often more than willing to admit that they have some of the needs of men, but men are still often reluctant to admit that they have needs more traditionally feminine. Part of it is an ingrained fear of being effeminate, which is understandable. In a world of men that values competition and strength, it is often difficult to admit that one craves affection and conversation. However, to reiterate once again, all these needs are human needs. The difference isn’t in whether one sex or the other has the need, but in how each sex statistically prioritizes the needs.
In my case, for example, I am an attorney, a Ph.D., and a martial arts instructors with Black Belts in six different martial arts. There are few that would question my masculine credentials or think me weak or effeminate (two different things, I assure you). Yet I have Conversation as a key need. Not only do I have this traditionally female need, the topics I enjoy discussing are often traditionally feminine topics: marriage, family, feelings, and the future.
Not only that, but I can talk to women, from teenage girls to great grandmothers, on a feminine level much easier than I can talk to men on a masculine level. I relate to the needs and thought process of women much more readily than men. I value children and look forward to building an intimate, lifelong relationship with my children. I think about security, romance, being poetic, playful and building a satisfying relationship. Many of these things are generally considered feminine traits.
If a man has absolutely none of the traditionally female needs, that would be a little unexpected. It isn’t unusual, but it is also uncommon. Most men will have one or more of these needs. Despite this, just as we generally approached the traditionally male needs from the perspective of it as a male need, we will address the traditionally female needs from the perspective of the need as a need felt by women.
Most women would appreciate a man that fulfills the traditional female needs as a matter of habit. Being a man who learned much of masculinity from his mother, I learned the masculine traits and skills desired by women. Since I planned to spend the rest of my life with a woman, it seemed to make sense that I should learn how to behave in a manner appreciated, admired and desired by women in general. Few have complained.
If a man learns to be affectionate, open and honest with his feelings and his life, a good listener and conversationalist, generous, and committed to people, relationships, and family, he has an excellent starting point for dealing with most women. Some more radical, political feminists might object to some element as sexist or stereotypical, but in my experience that overwhelming majority of women appreciate a man who does these things naturally. Women value relationships, and one of the best things a husband can do to boost his wife’s status with other women is be a fabulous husband and father. I certainly like hearing that women tell my wife that she’s very lucky to have a man like me as a husband. Wouldn’t any man like a compliment like that?
MUTUAL NEEDS
Mutual needs don’t need to be explored as thoroughly as needs that are often gender specific because mutual needs are generally better understood. If you ask a man or a woman if they want their spouse to love them, they will answer “of course” or look at you oddly for asking such a strange question with an obvious answer. The gender specific needs are different. Ask a normal woman if she wants her husband to be romantic, and she’ll say yes. Ask a typical man if he wants his wife to be romantic, not in a sexual way, and he may not understand the question. Romance without sex? To a man, that seems odd.
Mutual needs are those needs typically experienced by both men and women. As with any of the normally gender specific needs, not everyone will have all of these needs. Love and respect are fairly universal, but not everyone feels a need for attention, cooperation or play. However, if you start with all of them, you are unlikely to go wrong.
AN IMPORTANT NOTE ON A HARD SUBJECT
Divorce
Many people are the victim of divorce. Translated, that means that parents got divorced. The parents themselves are the perpetrators of that divorce, with or without due cause, and the children are invariably hurt. There is a massive stigma in the Christian community with that because Jesus said "What God has joined to together, let no man separate," but any one who has been through a divorce knows that the divorce is seldom the separating, but the legal recognition of a separation that has been true for too long. Even remaining married, being on opposite sides in a marriage can be wreak devastation on children. Building a marraige is a two-person effort. Destroying it can be done by one. If we work on building our side of the relationship properly without concern for whether our partner does the same, we can, at the the very least, be the innocent spouse in a divorce. That innocence may help us help our children through it.
That said, children are always hurt, often damages because of the separation and divorce. What do you say to them? Most common cliches are harmful.
"We fell out of love" leaves the children wondering if you will leave them if you don't "love" them anymore, and every time you get angry with them they will wonder if you will leave.
"It just wasn't working out" and "We couldn't get along" has similar effects.
"It's no one's fault" is often disastrous because it tells a child that their entire would could end without anyone doing anything wrong - which also means you might leave them even if they don't do anything wrong.
"But we'll always love you" rings hollow when a child knows that you two chose one another on purpose, but the child just came. You made a vow before God and men "'til death do us part" and you're parting. Then, if they do not understand what love is adequately, the life they live proves otherwise to them. Often, they will be tempted to push to see if they can drive you away, and what they become is so distasteful that they watch to see if you meant it, or if you lied to them.
One interesting solution was had by a family in which the children stayed in the family home, and the PARENTS were the ones that moved in an out of the house. This way, the innocent children were not the one's whose lives were turned compeltely upside down by the divorce, and the parents who created the ending marriage were the ones inconvenienced. It shed new light on the life of the average child of divorced parents.
What DO You Say?
There may be a lot of good answers, but so far this one is the best I've heard. It's stated from a mother's perspective because it was voiced by a mother.
"When your father and I got married, we didn't know what marriage meant. We both had ideas, but they were wrong. We built the foundation of our marriage wrong, and we built the marriage wrong. After a while, the marriage kept breaking, and we tried to ignore the problems and they got worse. Eventually, we were so hurt and so angry and so wounded that we just wanted the pain and anger to stop. We didn't know there was a way to do it right. We didn't know how badly we had messed up until it was too late.
"We didn't know what we were doing, but you CAN know what you're doing.
"We didn't know how to fix things when they went wrong, but YOU can learn how to fix things.
"It's too late for us because we messed it up too badly, but it's NOT too late for YOU. YOU can get it right the first time, and YOU can build a marriage that is truly incredible. I wish I knew what I'm learning earlier, but it's still early enough for you.
"I pray that you won't make the same mistakes we made."
Then learn how it could have been done right, from the selection to getting to know one another, through personal growth as individuals and as a couple - and teach it to the children. Read books, attend seminars, and really think through what marriage is and what it should mean.
The results can be amazing. Imagine a generation after you that gets it right because you were loving and thoughtful enough to teach your children what you wish you had know earlier. For them, it IS earlier.
- Scot Conway, Ph.D., J.D.
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His Needs
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Her Needs
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Their Needs
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