Harley starts off with this one as Sexual Fulfillment, but as we address it more generally, a typical male need isn’t sex, it’s physical fulfillment. If a man isn’t married, he doesn’t really need sex. He might pursue it, and he might even leave without it, but having it is actually damaging to his long term prospects for fidelity in a marriage. However, most men do have a need for an appropriate level of physical fulfillment, cumulating with sexual fulfillment when he is married. Note that while this is listed as a traditional male need, a large number of women really desire more sex, or more fulfilling sex.
Physical fulfillment can come in many forms. When it comes to a husband and wife, sexual exploration and playfulness is a must. Also, men who desire more or more enthusiastic sex should first look to their relationship with their wives. There is a tendency to make demands, but with this and all needs, the task of the person with the need is to work to make the fulfillment of the need as easy as possible. That means that a man who desires a certain sexual response from his wife should work to cultivate and create that response.
For women, this generally means she needs affection, romance, to be swept off her feet from time to time. Find your partner’s love language and favorite modality (both to be discussed at length later) and do what they like, what get’s them hungry for intimacy. Then you can more easily get what you want. If you want your partner to do something to fulfill your sexual needs, or your physical needs on any level, how can you make that a desire and a pleasure for your partner?
This not a matter of bargaining, but one of seduction. A bargain is an effort to broker a deal, a transaction. It’s something like “I work hard every day, and all I ask is a little action before going to sleep.” While a dutiful wife might go ahead, what level of desire does that transaction create? Most men are not truly satisfied with a wife that simple aquiesses to his demand, but one who is enthusiastic, who even initiates without also putting a pressure to perform on him.
John Gray says that the sexual relationship in a mature, long standing marriage is an expression of the whole marriage. According to Gray, any issues that appear in the bedroom are generally a manifestation of issues that exist outside the bedroom. A mutually fulfilling physical relationship, then, is a sign of a mutually fulfilling marriage.
This need, unfulfilled, can be particularly difficult for a man, depending upon the extent to which the Primary Gender Fantasy is also his own. There are exceptions, of course, but these are generally rare. The men who would deny having the fantasy certainly outnumber the men who actually do not have it. Because this need is tied to the Primary Gender Fantasy, it is an especially important need to which spouses should attend.
Open, frank conversation about legitimate desires is a must for a mutually fulfilling physical relationship. Adventure, exploration, playfulness, variety of positions and places, romance, passion, and more all make up the vital and healthy sexual relationship in a marriage. It isn’t just a matter of deal making and agreeing that certain things will always take place. Sometimes it’s for his pure pleasure, and she gives freely. Sometimes it’s for her, and he gives freely. Sometimes it’s mutual.
John Gray notes that many men enjoy quickies, short sex resulting in climax for him, but not normally her. Women are often resistant to this because it seems “dirty” to some, and certinly does not generally qualify under the heading “making love.” However, he and his wife have an understanding that he gets unlimited quickies, and she gets unlimited cuddles. She is also guaranteed regular love making, and occassional gourmet sex - that is, him investing totally in her romance and pleasure. So long as she knows that she isn’t giving up what she needs in the physical relationship, she is more willing to give him what he needs.
PRIOR TO MARRIAGE
Prior to marriage, certain moral standards of behavior must be met. While there is a tendency for men to pursue sex, this despite what might be said about his respect for her and how much he values her, the length of time she waits tells him something about how much she respects and values herself. A couple that engage is the ultimate expression of physical intimacy are showing a low degree of value for one another.
Physical intimacy should follow all other levels of intimacy so that sex becomes merely a manifestation of the total intimacy shared by the couple, not just a manifestation of a physical craving. Sex is most fulfilling when it is the last of the intimacies, not the first. When there is intimacy in Spirit and Soul, intimacy of Action and experience, then the physical union of the Body is most meaningful.
Something single women, especially, must consider is that physical intimacy is one of the standards by which men measure the attraction of the women they date. If they learn that a particular woman slept with a man in three months, then they will expect the same or earlier. Women are much the same with romance. Anything any previous woman got, they expect, and more. The something more is supposed to show that she is more important than the women of the past. If she isn’t, then her Emotions make the assumption that he does not value her as much as the women he left. Likewise with physical intimacy and men: if she doesn’t do for him as much as for the men she left, then his Emotions tell him that she was more in love with the ex-lover than with him, now, and that relationship ended - so why bother?
For those who consider multiple partners before marriage no big deal, the question is also one of competition. With what do you want your former spouse to compete? A man who has had five lovers before he settles down and marries will have five women his wife must beat for her to be the best lover he’s ever had. This becomes even more challenging when you consider that sexual dalliances often benefit is excitement from the forbidden fruit syndrome, and the woman are often young, fresh and exciting. The situations may also be more exciting. Without the responsibility of a real committment, all the unknown parts can be filled in with fantasy in your mind. This often creates a competition with some half-real, half-fantasy with which a real life woman can hardly expect to compete.
The sex of marriage, without some effort of the part of the couple, can get monotonous. If some past memory remains lodged in his mind, how much of a challenge might fidelity become? Especially when the wife is pregnant, or when she gains weight, or when she’s not at her best for some period of time?
Both single men and women ought to consider this issue. How many men or women would you like your spouse to be with? How many lovers would you like to compete with? How would you feel knowing that at some time in the past your spouse had an incredible sexual escapade that was her ultimate moment of sexual pleasure, especially if that was something you could never top?
As an example, a woman had not made the moral committment to wait until marriage, so, expectedly, she had several lovers over time. Her most exciting time was during a week at a resort in a foreign country. She was the mysterious woman in an exotic land, and during that week she took two different men to her bed. She didn’t even know them, not just that she didn’t have a relationship, she did not even know their names. Some years later, she wanted a committment or she would stop having sex, but her then current lover did not want to give her one.
He was incensed that she would withhold sex without a committment from him when, by her own admission, her best sex was with two men with not only no committment, but not even so much as a name! Provided her past does not make finding a husband so difficult that she is unable to do so, he will know that chances are nothing he ever does will top that week. This can be a huge challenge to the sense of security in a relationship.
Relationships that end are always painful and often a challenge. However, a sexual relationship prior to marriage invariably makes breaking up far, far harder to bear. It is much easier to let someone go when you know that they did not have everything of you. When there was nothing left to give, there is almost a feeling that they had it all, and it wasn’t enough. There is also often a sense that when that special, forever someone comes along, there won’t be anything left to give that someone else has not had before. There are issues of disease, pregnancy, and emotional pain if it ends.