Emotion: Inadequacy

Meaning: 1) There is something we need or want to do or be, AND
2) We feel we don’t have the skills to do or be it.

A feeling of Inadequacy means that there is something we either need or want to do or be, and we feel we don’t have the skills necessary to do or be it. We might be at a new job and don’t feel up to speed. We might be facing a new situation and aren’t sure we can navigate it well. We might have been placed in charged of a group and aren’t sure if we’re a good enough leader to be in charge.

What Are You Doing?

The first step is to take a close look at what it is that we need or want to do, or what we need or want to be. We need to analyze what is really required to do what we need to do. We need to consider what it really takes to be what we need to be. This analysis needs to be as objective as possible.

Abstract ideas are seldom sufficient. We should try to articulate what’s expected of us. If we emotionally feel we must be perfect and make no mistakes, we can hear how ridiculous that sounds when we say it out loud. What will it take to succeed? What level of success is expected? What is desired? How much of that is under our control?

Can You Do It?

Then you need to make an objective, truthful determination of the skills and qualities necessary for doing the job. After you have a clear, objective understanding of what the job or position actually requires, then you need to take an objective look at your own skills.

You may find that in an objective analysis, you really are adequate. If that is the case, you can set aside your feelings, which should fade if you’ve done your analysis correctly, and move forward with confidence because you’ve analyzed the position and yourself and know that you can do the job. If you still feel inadequate, it tells you that you have built in additional expectations and you need to find those and change your expectations to what you know the job actually requires.

If You Find Yourself Lacking

If, however, you find areas in which you truly are lacking, you know where you need work. If you need to learn more skills and grow more as a person, a parent, a manger, or whatever else you need to do or be, then you need to find the resources you need to do that. You need to practice. It might be slow going at first, with unsteady, halting steps toward what you are seeking to accomplish, but forward motion is necessary so you can develop the competence that will bring confidence.

Exploring Roles

If I’m married, and I feel inadequate as a husband, that means that I have an understanding of what I ought do or be as a husband and I don’t feel as though I have the skills to fulfill my own expectations. The first thing I need to do is determine what I think a husband ought to be. Sometimes I might find out that I have conflicting definitions of the role, and I have to sort that out. Especially in something as complex as being a spouse or parent, the process of sorting through what the job requires may be an on and off task spanning years.

If I believe a husband is supposed to be the leader, in charge of his family, and I also believe a husband and wife should be totally equal partners sharing power and responsibility equally, I will feel inadequate if I cannot reconcile the two. I cannot both be the clear leader and in charge while at the same time being a peer. I need to decide how to do it. The Bible indicates that the husband is to be the head of the home, but it also tells the husband that he and his wife are to mutually submit to one another, indicating a paradox. However, this is easily reconciled if you understand a leader not as someone in charge, but as someone out in front, taking point, blazing the trail, saying “follow me!” not giving orders.

The Bible tells the wife to submit to the husband, which means he’s in charge, but her following is between her and God, not her and him. That means it isn’t his position to command her, but he is to do what God told him to do, love her with an agape love the same way Christ loves the church. As he explores what it really means to be a husband and uncovers the areas of seeming inadequacy, he knows what to actually practice. Also, the meaning might change over time. What it means to be the newly wed husband will be different than what it means to be a husband and father combined. What it means to be a husband might change again when the children move out.

Inadequacy Prompts Self Examination

As we experience the feeling of Inadequacy, we ought to be prompted to examine ourselves and our abilities closely and compare them to what is really required for a job or position we hold, or an activity in which we intend to engage. When a young man feels Inadequate in asking a girl out, he might practice in a mirror until he thinks it sounds right. He might ask advice from a sister or trusted female friend. He might be slow and careful in a casual friendship until he finds out whether or not she will say yes before he’ll even ask.

What he’s doing in this case would be right. While it may lack the risk taking and boldness we might prefer, what he’s doing is admitting his lack of skill and practicing. He’s admitting that he doesn’t know quite what he’s doing, so he tries to find out what should work. He’s checking to see if what he knows he can do will produce the intended result before he takes action. It may not seem like a brave and bold approach, but it is a careful and planned approach. He may ultimately be too late this time, but he’ll be better prepared for next time.

If careful and planned steps are taken because of prudent dealing with a realization of Inadequacy, not just out of irrational Fear, then it’s good. If there is no objective reason to feel Inadequate, but he’s just afraid of rejection and there are no practical consequences of rejection (such as there are with being rejected by someone you must work alongside), then it might be evidence of letting Emotion make decisions rather than Will.

If we never feel Inadequate, it probably means we are never attempting a thing beyond our known ability, or it means we are arrogant. If we only do that which we are sure we can successfully do without needing to grow, then our lives will likely be stunted. As we push our own limits and reach a little beyond ourselves, we will find ourselves feeling Inadequate, and that feeling should drive us to grow so we can later reach even beyond the heights to which we now aspire.