THREE GREEK LOVES

To really understand love and relationships, we need a more complete understanding of what we mean when we use words. “Love” is a word that has been used so often for so many things that it has virtually lost all meaning. When someone says that they love someone or something, we often don’t know exactly what they mean. Are they talking about a feeling? A commitment? Excitement?

Fortunately, the Greek language provides us with useful words. However, rather than limit ourselves to the traditional understandings (which sometimes conflict), or, perhaps, various nontraditional interpretations, each will be defined so we are clear about what we mean when we use the words here.

AGAPE

Agape is unconditional love. This love rises from your character. It cannot be earned or unearned. Perhaps most importantly, because it comes from you and is not affected by the actions of others, it is not a feeling, it is a choice. As you study Agape love in detail, you will notice that each element of Agape is a choice, not a feeling (be patient, be kind). In fact, it is often avoiding a feeling (not jealous, not provoked). You do not have Agape love for someone because of anything they have done, but simply because they are. It is also worth noting that if we have truly "unconditional" love, it also does not depend upon the social relationship. If I "agape" my wife, but not my "enemy," then I am setting a condition, aren't I?.

An example of Agape love is good parents’ love for their baby. Parents love their baby with a solid, certain love that the child has done nothing to earn. In fact, that baby can make messes and wake mom and dad up in the middle of the night, and the parents will keep loving that child. They will be patient, kind and so much more not because they enjoy messes, diaper changes and middle of the night feedings, but because they have made choices to do the loving thing for their child. For the vast majority of parents, these things are so self evident that they don’t even consider the alternative.

Another interesting idea to consider is this: If I give you money with no strings attached, it is unconditional money. However, the money is not unlimited. If I habitually give everyone I see $1, they can use that up rather quickly. If I give $100, it will be less likely to be used up. If I give half a million dollars, few people will use that up at each visit.

Agape is unconditional, but it isn't unlimited. That idea is nearly heretical to some, but consider what God tells us Agape Love is: Patient, Kind, etc. Is Patience infinite? Ask the people of the Earth when it was being flooded, or Sodom and Gommorah when the fire fell, or Moses when he was told he was not going to enter the Promised Land if they think God is infinitely Patient or infinitely Kind. Of course, God makes His choices in these matter based on His infinite wisdom, infinite knowledge and infinite genius - while we humans tend to make them more emotionally.

The idea is that Agape love is identical for every single human being. If it isn't, then it isn't Agape love, it's conditional. However, some people will exhaust our patience faster than others, and some will prevail against our Agape kindness we naturally extend to others. Thus, part of our job is to work to build, and, more spefically for Christians, to cooperate with the Holy Spirit to build our Agape Character so others will be far, far less likely to ever overcome our finite, human Agape.

PHILEO

Phileo is a friendship love. This is a love you can earn and unearn. It is an affection, a closeness, an intimacy shared by friends, a brotherly love, even a family closeness. It is conditional, however. While someone is in a close relationship, you have Phileo love. This is a conditional love, meaning it will increase and decrease depending upon the interaction between the people in the relationship.

Phileo is the relationship we feel. Agape Only is a relationship based on decisions. We Agape because of our character, and it cannot be earned or unearned. That is why we call it unconditional. Phileo, on the other hand, is the love we experience. We have positive or negative experiences with someone and therefore have a positive or negative feeling about them. We have some idea who the other person is as a human being, and we respond to them based upon how we feel about a human being like that.

Phileo is not inferior or superior to Agape. It is simply different. There is nothing wrong with loving someone because they have done good things for you. It is normal and natural to want that and to cultivate it. While some people may think that conditional love is somehow inferior, it has the distinct advantage of being under our control.

If we want someone to Agape us, there is absolutely nothing we can do. Agape cannot be earned, so we cannot do anything to get it. If we could, that would show that it can be earned. All we do with someone else's Agape is function within whatever limits of Agape they have.

If we want someone to Phileo us, though, we can do something about that. We can do things that help them enjoy their time with us and thus increase their positive feelings for us. As we have common, positive experiences, they will Phileo us more. If they have negative experiences with us, they will Phileo us less.

EROS

Eros involves passion and romance. While often limited to just physical attraction, we use this word more broadly to include the feeling of immediate passion, sexual or otherwise. This is the kind of love that involves intense feelings, with or without underlying loves. Allowed free reign, untempered by the other loves, this love can be enormously destructive and can lead people down the path of all sorts of sins, a hollowing of the soul, and a loss of respectability. In its proper place, this is the ultimate spice of a relationship, the thing that makes it fun and exciting.

To understand our usage of this word, consider a someone who has a passion for cars seeing his ultimate dream car, or someone with a passion for houses seeing her ultimate dream home. They feel a sense of excitement, of desire. These examples can be shared with children.

Eros is ultimately conditional and almost entirely a “now” feeling. The past and future relationship might not matter at all, and even when it is being felt intensely, it could vanish in a second. It can also be inflamed quickly, rising by shock and surprise when something that draws out that passion is presented by surprise. This is both its strength and its weakness.

Eros, like Phileo, is not innately inferior to Agape or Phileo. It, too, is simply different. This is like a fabulous dessert. It can be the most exciting, tastiest part of a meal, but it cannot sustain you if this is all you have. It is meant to be pure fun, pure pleasure, and in its proper place with a good meal, this dessert can make a relationship exciting.

THE LOVE STACK

The three loves, each in it’s proper place, stack on top of one another to form a complete, intimate, marital love. Agape, the unconditional love that flows from our character as a matter of the choices we make, must be the foundation. This means that everything else in the relationship rests on absolute unconditional love. Phileo stacks on top of Agape. If Phileo were the foundation, then when the feelings faded, so would the relationship. Eros is the capstone, the passion that makes the relationship fun and exciting.

This idea can be used to look at any relationship. It is possible to have an Agape Only relationship. In fact, in the Bible, Jesus said to agape your enemies. If someone is an enemy, there is not likely to be any of the conditional loves there. That would be an Agape Only relationship. If we remember that Agape flows from our character and is a matter of our choices, we know that every relationship we have with everyone involves us and our choices. That puts Agape, as much or as little as we have, at the core of everything.

In order for a relationship to bring any pleasure, there needs to be Phileo love. It is possible to have a Phileo Only relationship. This is often the case of “fair weathered friends,” people who are only around for the good times, never the bad. These are the people who don’t show any character in a relationship. If it’s fun, pleasurable, or enjoyable in any way, they’re there. If not, they aren’t.

Phileo Only relationships are unsteady things. When things are going well, they can be wonderful. Love is in the air, intimacy is easy, life is magnificent. When things are not going well, or even if there’s a single serious incident, then the whole relationship is on the line. One negative event, or even a handful of minor negative incidents can ruin the relationship forever.

Eros is the excitement in a relationship. For male-female relationships, this often means physical attraction and sexual desire. As we use the word here, it’s any immediate passion. Buddies going out bungee jumping, sharing the adrenalin rush together, is an Eros moment. It’s all about the moment, about this feeling, the intensity right here, right now.

An Eros Only relationship is one of almost pure selfishness. It’s about the moment, not the past or the future, and only superficially about the present. The only thing that matters in an Eros Only relationship is how this feels at the moment. Even a pause in the excitement, as easily as Eros can evaporate, can destroy it.

A relationship with a Phileo foundation and Eros is a conditional relationship that depends upon positive events. Eros moments can build the foundation for the conditional Phileo, with those intense, fun moments providing the memories about which the friends or the couple can talk and reminisce. They are committed to one another, but it is a relationship built on shared positive experiences. As time passes, they may drift apart and when that happens they are content to let the relationship go and move on.

Stacking Loves

A relationship with an Agape foundation and Phileo is one in which the character of the individuals is central to the relationship. They recognize that all relationships, whether family, friends, or couples has its ups and downs, and they know that all people will go through bad times and they are willing to be there for one another. They will put up with those bad moments and not assume the worst, and even when the relationship ends, such as when a friend moves away, they are always happy to pick up later when things change.

A relationship that builds all three types of love will be truly fulfilling as it grows. It establishes the relationship on a foundation of unconditional Agape, intentionally builds the affection and liking in Phileo love, and caps it off with moments of true excitement and adventure with Eros. This can be done in any relationship, friends, family or a couple.

In a marriage, this means that both husband and wife grow as people, cultivating their own Agape for their spouse - which means that the Agape Character is cultivated which benefits every relationship. They cultivate the Phileo relationship, intentionally building up the mutual pleasure they receive from their marriage and working to minimize the existence of or intensity of negative interactions. The Eros is a combination of play, adventure and fun sex. An understanding of these types of love and how they are cultivated on purpose can make a marriage a powerful partnership that leaves each partner wondering how life could be worth living without their partner.

It is popular in some circles to talk only about unconditional love, about Agape, as though it is the be all and end all of true love. “Love is not a feeling, it is a decision” is a phrase often quoted in some form. However, if we remember that Jesus said to Agape our enemies, we know that while Agape is critical, it cannot be the end. It becomes a relationship of pure duty, a practical but unfulfilling relationship with each behaving and making choices, but not one of pleasure.

Remember, if Agape is unconditional, then it cannot be earned or unearned. If there is anything at all that your spouse can do to change how you feel about her, those changed feelings are evidence of a Phileo relationship. You should always Agape not matter what happens in the Phileo relationship, and in those dry spells that some couples experience (often as a result of caring for children), the Agape can help you hold on until you have breathing space to rebuild a Phileo relationship. But to stop at Agape Only is to accept nutrition without ever tasting good food or enjoying a wonderful dessert. It also means that you will feel exactly the same for your spouse as you would a stranger or an enemy, and that's not the kind of relationship most of us would desire.