Most Christian married couples are familiar with the passage that begins at Ephesians 5:22. "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord." Husbands in particular tend to be aware of this command, and very often, wives cringe when the verse is cited. They know what is meant: they are to submit to their husband's authority - in short, he's the boss. If he's the boss, then he gets his way, and what she thinks and feels doesn't matter - it's all about him. Or is it? Let's take a closer look and think about this more carefully.

Temptation and Being a Christian

If I have a single, adult daughter who seeks to be obedient in her walk with the Lord, she will endeavor to conduct herself with purity in her relationships. However, suppose a Christian man invested himself in seducing her. Suppose his actions intentionally tried to inflame desire in my daughter, and he sought to tempt her into moral disobedience. Succeed or fail, how would we regard such a man? How would we hope our daughters would regard a man who would tempt her to disobedience?

Suppose it got even worse than that? Suppose that man had it within his power to trap our daughter, to put her in a position where she had no choice but to sin? What if he could put her in a position in which she would have to either sin according to his seduction, or sin by violating some other command of God to avoid the first.

Would we regard such a man as a good Christian? Would we see him as someone with whom our daughter should spend time? Or would we regard him as someone that our daughter, if she was a good Christian lady, should avoid?

"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands..."

This command should give men pause before they get married, and it should likewise be a verse that makes husband stop and really think. There are two classes of people involved in this command: wives, of course, and husbands.

There is a tendency to think that this means that the husband is in charge and he gets to call the shots. He can rule over his wife and do what he likes, and it is her place, declared by God Almighty, to submit to his authority.

But wouldn't that tempt her to disobey?

If I lead in such a manner as a husband, then aren't I doing the exact same thing I would hope my wife would find reprehensible in a man? I am tempting my wife to disobey God. I should not do such a thing.

In fact, it really is the worst example from above. Not only do I have the power to tempt my wife to disobey God, I can actually put her in a double bind - I can FORCE her to disobey God. All I have to do is give her instructions that are contrary to God's standards, asking her to do something in clear violation of moral standards - and she has no choice but to disobey God. She either has to disobey by doing what I say, or she will have to disobey by refusing to submit to me.

My wife, in particular, and most Christian wives I hope, would disobey me and obey whatever God commands directly (in Acts, Annanias and Sapphira were together in their sin, and Sapphira was killed with her husband for their disobedience - with no question asked about whether she did so in submission to her husband - so the higher authority must be obeyed). I would be guilty of forcing her to sin, and that would be something God would require of me.

It's Not About the Leader

Throughout the history of humankind, Man has routinely forgotten the proper role of leadership. God's leadership is about service. Think about this: Almighty God, the Creator of the Heavens and the Earth, the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, came to SERVE. He died for our sins. He washed our feet. He came to teach. He offers us forgiveness. He counts us as friends.

There isn't a command God gives that He needs us to obey. He doesn't need us, but He knows we need Him. He tells us what we need to do because WE need to do it, not because God is in any way enhanced by our worship or lessened by our disobedience. God doesn't change, and frankly, He doesn't need us. When He interacts with us, it is for our benefit, not for His.

Consider business as an example. Business is about the customer, not about the business. The purpose of business is to make money, and business does that by producing value that is worth more to the customer than the customer's money. If business stops producing value, the customers will stop giving their money. The business would die.

Sports is similar. The coach and team captains aren't there for themselves, they are there for the team. Anything else, and the team will lose. Likewise the military. In any commando unit, the commander must think about the men under his command or he will get them all killed. In each case if the followers got the idea that the leader did not have their interests at heart or was incompetent and insisted on power anyway, they would do what they could to get rid of the leader - or they would simply reject his leadership.

So I am a the leader, the coach, the captain, the unit commander. I have to think about my people, my team, my unit. It's not about me, it's about them. If I lead my wife in any way other than in hers and our team's best interest, she would be placed in a position where the only wise thing she could do was reject my leadership and take care of things herself. (This concept is explored in much more detail in More on Bible Marriage Verses discussing the same passage.)

That's what Abigail had to do when her husband, Nabal, acted dishonorably. It was his disobedience and unrighteousness that almost got the family destroyed, and a wife going beyond what would normally be her proper authority went out to show hospitality to David and his men (Samuel 25:2-35).

So I have to lead in such a way that it inspires her submission. I have to lead her with a Heart she can trust, with motives she can rely on, with the respect for her I ought to have. My goal is for the team. My work is for the team. It's about US, not about me. If she trusts me, she can follow me.

"...as unto the Lord."

That's my standard of leadership. If she is to submit "as to the Lord" then I have to lead "as the Lord." If I have any doubt about what that means, the Holy Spirit lays that out for us immediately after this verse. I am to love her, and the word is Agape. I am to love her as I love myself, and that means that I treat her as though we are equals - I just have the role of leader. It has nothing to do with relative value as human beings, just position. Even then, the relative position has almost no bearing on decisions unless the hopefully rare occassion of a conflict of decision takes place - then I make the call and I am responsible for the outcome.

The main point, of course, is that God makes all His commands for our benefit, not for any selfish motive. That means I have to do the same.

What is Submission?

What does it mean for her to submit to me? How can she know what is expected of her? That's fairly simple - she has two places she can LOOK for my official definition of submission. It's not what I say, it's what I do when I'M supposed to submit.

For one, we are to be in mutual submission one to another - so when I choose to submit to her, what does that look like? When she watches me in submission to the human authorities over me, with what attitude and what heart do I do it? What motivates me? If I only do what others do if there's something in it for me, then I'm showing her that submission means doing things only for a payoff. That's not the submission I want, so that's not the submission I should model.

The other place she can LOOK is at my submission to God. How do I submit to God? Do I submit with an obedient, loving heart, or do I reserve the right to second guess God and I'll do whatever part of His will I choose? If so, then I'm modeling that for my wife, showing her by example that I think she can second guess me and only do whatever she feels she ought to do - or whatever of my instructions with which she agrees.

The Backside of God's Command

This whole exercise is what my wife and I refer to as "The Backside of God's Command." Where others see rights, we see responsibilities. Where others see what they get, we see what we ought to give. If God says for her to submit to me, then I must lead accordingly. My leadership is implied behind her command to submit. Of course she's instructed to submit even if my leadership isn't perfect, but it isn't my job to push her. God looks at her heart, and if she doesn't submit of her own free will, then I've made her heart bitter against me and against God's command, and even if she submits in Action, God looks at her Heart and I cannot be responsible for embittering it.

This is a general interpretation principle. Wendy also looks at my command to love her and her first thought is of the things she can do to make loving her easier. In short, if I am commanded to love, then she seeks to be lovable. If we are commanded to be submission one to another, then we seek to make that a mutually pleasant experience. If we are commanded that our bodies belong to one another, whether sexual intimacy, cuddles or keeping ourselves in shape, we look for our own participation, not for what the other must do. If our children are told to honor us, then we must be honorable.

In short, it's not about rights, but about responsibilities.

NOTE: For explorations on this and many other passages that refer to marriage and the relative role of husbands an wives, or men and women, see More on Bible Marriage Verses. That excerpt more thoroughly addresses many passages.