HELPING YOUR SPOUSE OBEY GOD

The Bible gives some specific commands to husbands and wives about how they should relate to one another. For ages, people, men in particular, would take their favorite verses and do what the could to enforce them against their spouse. If the Bible says that the woman is supposed to submit, then the man would take that as a license to hold his wife back, beat her down, and enforce her obedience to him. It certainly wasn’t the first time the Bible was used improperly to justify selfishness, and it won’t be the last.

But let’s take a look at what the Bible has to say about marriage and how we ought to conduct ourselves. There are several specific commands about the relationship, and we will address each on in turn not from the perspective of rights, but of helping our spouse obey God. Remember, God looks at the heart, not just the action, so whatever we do to help should affect the heart. If, for example, a husband beats his wife into submission and she submits only because she is afraid of physical harm, she isn’t really being obedient to God because God is looking at her heart. If she is resentful, but afraid, then it isn’t really obedience.

Using a hypothetical situation to help illustrate, suppose I had a wife that was admired by men and likewise appreciated the company of nice, friendly men. God has made many specific commands against adultery, so there are limitations in the interaction she is supposed to have with men that are not her husband. Suppose, however, that I kept creating situations that placed her in the presence of men who would try to seduce her. Suppose I found the particular men that most intrigued her and kept making arrangements for them to be alone.

Am I helping her or hurting her? Obviously, I’m hurting her. I’m engaging in conduct that is making obedience to God’s command as difficult for her as possible. What if I further complicated the situation by withholding my love, my affection, my appreciation and my service to her? What if I nagged her about all the things I want her to do, complained to her about how I work hard every day and I expect her to serve me when I get home, and I am selfish? Does that inspire her to remain faithful, or push her away even more?

Sooner or later, even a woman of God would fall in some way. In fact, this temptation in particular has been so powerful that even famed preachers have fallen in recent decades. At a local megachurch, a pastor was dismissed for improper use of pornography (and more those who think that prudish, he even misappropriated the church credit card to pay for it, so the wrong was both in the sexual arena and the financial). At another, a standard question asked of new pastors is this: “In what area of your Christian walk do you think you would be least likely to fall?” One young married pastor’s answer was “I’d never cheat on my wife.” Less than three years later, his certainty was proven unjustified.

Given all these temptations to fall, if I gave that hypothetical wife the temptation, the opportunity, and then I pushed her away emotionally, how long would she last? If I truly love her and I want her to be obedient to God, what should I do?

Rather obviously, I should do something different. Temptations enough will come along without pushing her into them, and opportunities are easy enough to create without me creating them for her. Every step I take away from her fall to sin is one more defense to sin I remove from her life. Then, if I push her away, she will fall down that slippery path I have carved for her, intentionally or accidentally. That means that while I should not cooperate with her seeking to limit opportunity to fall, and I should work to be as desireable a husband as possible so I do not push her away. That respects her walk with God and her character, and helps support her.

HUSBANDS, LEAD SO YOUR WIVES WANT TO SUBMIT

Ephesians 5: 22-24 - Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church.

[See also Colossians 3:18 and 1 Peter 3:1. Each reaffirms the command to a wife to be subject to her husband. The implications for each are similar.]

Husbands often love this verse because they think it gives them power and authority over their wives. However, there are several things that men need to consider. First, God never gives anyone power without placing responsibilties upon them as well. If your wife is expected to submit to you, that makes you responsible for leadership. The greater the command to her, the greater the responsibilty to you.

Note also that she is to submit “as to the Lord.” That’s a high standard for her, but it’s also a very high standard for the husband as well. If her submission is “as to the Lord,” the implies responjsibiltity for him is to lead “as the Lord.” Christ leads by love. He died for us. He walked for us, being tempted for us, going through what we go through so He really understands. He became a Man for us. He did everything for us and offered Himself as our sin sacrifice and He didn’t demand anything in return for the free gift of His grace.

But He does tell us a lot of things we ought to do. His grace is not conditioned upon themm, but because He first loved us, we are expected to love Him in return. As we really look at the commands He leaves for us, how many of them really help God? Even when we are told to love God, does our love for Him benefit Him more or us? If Scot Conway loves or does not love God, one person of billions alive today, one lifetime in hundreds of lifetimes of people, how will God be fulfilled or devastated if I, one man, chooses not to love Him? On the other hand, how does it affect me? Is it possible that that command, along with all the others, isn’t there for God, it’s there for ME!

Frankly, as a husband, when I look at a verse like Ephesians 5: 22-24, the sense of obligation it places on me is nearly overwhelming. I have to trust God and draw near to Him if I’m going to be the kind of leader that can inspire this kind of submission in my wife. I have to hone my skills and practice and really, really devote myself to proper leadership in my family if I want to help inspire my wife to do as God says.

Consider what it would mean if I tell my wife that I demand that she renouce Christ, sell herself into prostitution, and murder her children in worship of Satan the day they are born. Should she submit to that demand? Of course not. She cannot disobey God on my orders, no matter what the Bible says about her submission. Satan tried to use Scripture against Christ in the temptation in the desert, but Jesus responded with “it is also written...” It is also written that she should obey God rather than men. That includes me.

If I gave commands that explicitly contradicted the Bible, I place my wife in a double bind. I give her absolutely no way to walk in total obedience to God. If she obeys me, she disobeys God. If she disobeys me, she disobeys God because God told her to submit to me. The fact that this double bind is possible is the warning to all husbands that our wives perfect obedience in this depends heavily upon the proper leadership of the husband. If we mess up badly enough, we leave our wives no choice but to choose her sin. This is among the most powerful illustations of the fact that we are often not choosing between good and evil, right and wrong, but between good and better, and between wrong and worse.

But what if it’s something still outside the will of God, but not completely immoral or evil? What if God has given her a particular gift and a calling on her life to use that gift? Should she submit if I want to hold her back? No matter how I justify it, if the motives of my heart are an insecurity that she might not need me, or that she might leave me, or that she might succeed and show me to be a failure, then I am not leading as Christ leads, and she is faced with conflicting commands. On one hand, she must submit to me. On the other, she must follow God’s calling. Those things ought to be the same hand, and if they aren’t, that’s my fault and I’m wrong.

In fact, that’s why feminism was necessary. Feminism arose, frankly, because men were messing up. Unfortunately, the unintended consequence of feminism is that while it broke women free of the unjust shackles men had placed upon them, it also rocked their natural and proper roles in life. It not only gave women freedom, but it forced a new bondage on them. It started to treat family, children and home as a prison and tried to pry happy women with healthy marriages out of their home. The damage rippling through the generations was incredible. The damage already being done was equally incredible. It had to be done to correct the injustice, but like many reactions to pain and injustice, it ended up making the opposite mistake.

Oddly, while at one time feminism was about equal say, equal pay, and releasing the potential of women in a man’s world, today it sometimes seems as though it’s about power, equal pay for substandard performance, and protecting the helpless woman from even so much as a compliment from men. In my mother’s childhood, she saw the feminists saying that women could do anything if they were given a chance. In fact, she used to say “A woman has to be twice as good as a man to be treated as an equal. Fortunately, it’s easy.” Now she sees women crying that the standards have to be lowered, that men shouldn’t be allowed to do normal guy stuff around them, and the government and courts have to arm the women with lawsuits because they don’t have the strength to handle men on their own. She liked it better when it was about female ability rather than female weakness.

The word for submission used in this verse is a Greek word that was used as a military term. Soldiers, while equal as human beings, are subject to rank. Husbands were not told to take the superior position, but wives were told to take the junior position. However, men understand that while junior officers and enlisted men must obey the orders of their commanders, if the commanders lead poorly, sometimes even honorable soliders will seek to break out of the strict command and try to find a way to do what is right.

Today, soldiers are not expected to follow illegal orders, and even in ancient Rome, a soldier would obey the seniormost officer. If the husband is the Colonel and the wife the Lieutenant Colonel, Christ is the General. If the orders of the Colonel and the General conflict, the orders of the General must be followed. If the senior officers create a habit of command that routinely violates the proper orders and principles laid down by the General, Christ, God Almighty, our Commander in Chief, what would the proper course of conduct be for the junior officers? Should they simply allow the senior officers to create and maintain policies and orders that violate the precepts of the Commander in Chief?

If we look at the leadership of men in marriage is such a light, it should be apparent that if the men don’t do their job right, as an irresponsible and incompetent Colonel might be relieved of command by a junior officer, so might a wife try to do so to her husband. This can as subtle as doing things behind his back or simply doing things without him, or as severe as divorcing him. Men have to lead, and they have to lead well. If they do not, they leave their wives with very little choice but to take up the mantle of leadership and largely ignore him.

If men had been leading with the leadership of Christ, leading with love and devotion, responsbility and sacrifice, not making demands on fear of punishment but request in gratitude for their work and love - would feminism have been necessary? If women were respected and honored for what skills God built into them, allowed to do whatever seemed to be their calling in life without holding them back apart from fulfilling their individual, specific potential - what would have been left for feminism to do?

When the Bible tells my wife to submit because I am her head as Christ is the head of the Church, I have to ask myself what level of submission does the church actually give to God? Historically, we’ve done a lot of wonderful things. We’ve also made millions of mistakes, large and small, and committed some outright atrocities. God’s people have by and large done well, creating incredible cultures, but we’ve also done a lot of wrong things that flat out violated Scripture, and we’ve done it in God’s name for the most selfish reasons.

So what level of submission should I expect from my wife? As the church submits to Christ, so should my wife submit to me. That actually isn’t quite the level of submission I might like if I was a perfect leader. Fortunately, I’m not a perfect leader, so when my wife submits imperfectly, there’s a roughly equal chance that it’s her error or mine. When the church submits imperfectly to Christ, that’s 100% our fault.

Furthermore, who is the spiritual leader of the home? The husband. So, more immediately than the church at large, I am her number one example of how she ought to submit to me. Not only do I need to lead as Christ lead, looking to God for the wisdom, insight and love to lead as He leads, but I also must follow Christ the way I want my wife to follow me. If I disobey God, I effectively give my wife license to disobey me. She should not take it, but I would have no credibility trying to say she should submit to me “as to the Lord” is her “spiritual leader” isn’t submitted to the Lord.

Ephesians 5: 22-24 looks like a command given to woman, and it is. But there are so many implications in that command and affect my responsibilities as the husband. If I look to God’s command to my wife and consider that I must work to foster the heart to obey God’s command with the same kind of willing, loving and grateful heart that Christ expects from His people, then I have to be a magnificent leader.

Finally, the command is made to my wife. There isn’t anywhere in there where I’m told to enforce it. The Scriptures tell her what to do, just as they tell me what to do, but it doesn’t give me the power to punish her for disobedience. After all, there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus, and He is worthy and true to forgive us our sins if we will confess our sins. Her submission to me is between her and God, not her and me.

While the obvious meaning is that wives are to submit to their husbands, something wives should rightly struggle to do to the extent that their husband’s leadership does not conflict with the Word of God, husbands should also unpack the verse for their responsibilties.

Wives should not try to throw off the leadership of the husband just because he makes mistakes. No human being is perfect, and a husband will not improve in his leadership ability if he is not allowed to make mistakes. However, he should be making a concerted effort to improve.

Matthew 20:25 and Mark 10:42 describe the role of a leader, that the greatest shall be the least, and those who lead should be servants, and those who lead should minister to the needs of others. That’s Biblical leadership, and that’s the leadership to which husbands should aspire.

WIVES, HELP YOUR HUSBANDS LOVE

Ephesians 5: 25-28 - Husbands, love your wives even as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it.

[See also Colossians 3:18. This reaffirms the command to husbands to love their wives and “not be bitter against them.”]

A couple of important points: First, the word “love” is agape (see 1 Corinthians 13:4-8). We must thoroughly explore all the agape is and ought to be. Second, when Christ talked about “greater love has no man than this, that he lay down his life” the word He used for life is “psuche” which includes not just physical life, but personality, heart, mind and soul. Christ became a man when God is not normally Man. Likewise, husbands must become husbands, even though the natural inclinations of men do not often move in the direction of thinking in terms of being a totally unified, equal partner with a woman.

Just as the command to the wife implied many responsibilties to the husband, likewise this command to the husband implies many responsibilties to the wife. How can a wife help her husband love her? The command made to him is enormously difficult. The standard to which wives are held is the standard of the Church. The standard to which husbands are held is the standard of Christ. That is a very nearly impossible standard. As much as he will have to rely upon God to do so successfully, the partnership of his wife is likely necessary.

What is love? The word is agape, and we know from 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 that agape love has several components. While we want to foster the whole love stack: Agape, Phileo and Eros for the quality of our marriage, wives specifically need to help foster their husband’s agape so they obey God. Wives can help their husbands by being diligent to avoid taxing their husbands beyond their limits in each component and by actively helping them.

Patience is the first component. Wives should not push their husbands patience, working to avoid upsetting their husbands without cause, being as punctual as possible for him, and try to avoid keeping him waiting an unreasonable amount of time. Helping explain how things are and how long things will take often helps, and soliciting your husband as a partner to help things move along are also useful.

Kindness is the second component. Wives should try to encourage kindness, which is easier for a husband who knows he is respected and admired. Help him learn what kindness is for you, and give him encouragement and big payoffs when he is kind. On all of these, your goal is to make his obedience to God easier for him.

The first feeling mentioned is cast in the negative: Not Jealous. You husband is not supposed to be jealous, so you should try not to make him jealous. If he gets jealous, it should not be because you did anything provocative or demeaning. Give him no cause. If he’s unreasonably jealous without cause, that’s fully his problem. You help him by making sure it isn’t your fault.

Then the Bible says agape does Not Brag. Men brag the same way women wear makeup. The purpose is to make themselves look better. While society values the appearance of women, it values the accomplishments of men. By showing him respect for what he actually does, and you fail to judge him for where he does not measure up, you reduce or eliminate his felt need to exagerate his accomplishments or to continually remind you of his successes. Of course he will make some effort to perform and look good, but if he is accepted, he won’t have to brag.

Not Arrogant is the next command. He is not to think too highly of himself, nor too lowly. If God made him with a particular skill mix and level of aptitude, and he think anything other than the absolute truth, he’s declaring to God that what God made true does not matter, what he feels is more important. You can help him by reinforcing his strengths. When men are secure in their strengths and they know that they are loved and respected for who they are, they feel less of a need to move their self concept from the truth.

Not Act Unbecomingly. Men are often unbecoming, but he should not act unbecomingly toward you. He should not be rude, and if he isn’t angered, he is likely to be rude. If he’s rewarded with his needs being met in his love language when he conducts himself well, and he’s aware of what’s proper and improper conduct, he will tend to gravitate toward the best conduct.

Not Seek Your Own. This is both selfishness and prejudice. By giving to him and loving him until he wants to give, it helps reduce his selfishness. Sometimes wives try to take, and that makes both more taking-oriented. By helping him think of others, even if starts as just a transaction, it moves him in the direction of selflessness when he deals with you.

He is Not to Take Into Account a Wrong Suffered. He’s supposed to forgive you. If he knows he’s being forgiven everytime he makes a mistake or does something wrong, if he knows that his past mistakes won’t be used as weapons against him, and if you confess you own mistakes when you make them and ask forgiveness, it helps husbands not take into account a wrong they suffer at your hands. Remember, he can suffer a wrong even if you didn’t intend it that way.

Not Rejoice in Unrighteous. This means he’s not supposed to be happy when bad things happen to you, or when you do something wrong - even if your wrong thing got something you both wanted. First, if you help foster a high Phileo Bank Account, he will never be happy when something bad happens. As for the other, don’t do anything wrong, and there will be nothing there.

Rejoice in the the Truth. In contrast, it implies good things. When the truth comes out, even when it unpleasant, at least it’s over. Ultimately, truth is more important even than personal agenda’s, not matter how passionately held. If you make truth a high value, no matter your feelings, it will help encourage him to do the same.

Bear All Things is about helping one another. He’s supposed to help you with your burdens just as you are to be a helpmate to him. It’s mutual. You can help him do this simply by asking, lovingly, for his help. You may have to really get his attention, chaning his mental channel, and be specific. Then don’t nag. Just lovingly ask when he will get to it. Then admire and appreciate him when he does help out. That will help encourage him to do it more.

Believe All Things. He’s supposed to believe in you. It’s much easier to believe in someone with a track record of success and overcoming problems than it is to believe in a quitter. A wife can help her husband believe in her by showing never ending personal growth. By constantly becoming better, he knows he can depend on her.

Hope All Things. Losing hope can be devastating. However, if a husband believes in his wife, then it’s easy to hold on to hope no matter what happens. By never losing hope, even in the midst of the greatest challenges and most certain failure, a wife can help her husband hold on to his hope with his wife.

Endure All Things. This is putting up with stuff. Give him as little as possible with which he must put up.

Of course just because a wife seeks to remain below a husband’s threshold of Agape does not automatically mean every husband will love his wife. Just as awesome leadership by the husband does not guarantee that every wife will submit, even near perfect wives may find themselves imperfectly loved. However, the goal is to make certain that any failing on your husband’s part in loving you as commanded is not your fault.

IT’S NOT JUST YOUR BODY

1 Corinthians 7:3-4 - Let the husband fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.

For centuries, perhaps two thousand years, men have been fond of using this verse to show their wives that God commands that they should have sex whenever the husband wants. They even concede the two way street of offering her sex whenever she wants it. Considering it was treated as a duty, an obligation, it’s no wonder that women who really enjoyed sex were probably rare, not to mention hygeine issues.

However, take a look at the verse. Where does is specifically limit the command to sex? The Bible talks about fulfilling duty, and in context it really is talking about sexual duties, but the statement afterward is a general principle that extends far beyond sex. The husband and wife each have authority over the phyiscal body of the other.

When it says that a wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does, it does not mean she has no right to express her preferenced, desires, or even that she does not have the right to say no. What it does mean is that the authority of her husband is greater than her authority over her own body. If he asks, and he’s open to either yes or no, she has every right to say no. If he wants it, she is required to submit to his authority over her body.

The same in reverse. Stereotypically, men don’t have a problem if the wife has the right to say she wants sex. He’s happy to do it. But what if she doesn’t want to exert her authority over his body for sex? What if she wants to exercise her authority over his body for cuddles? What if she wants to exercise her authority over his body for prolonged foreplay? What if she wants to exercise her authority over his body for a really long hug?

“The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.”

Doesn’t that sound like it would include sex, foreplay, cuddles and hugs? Doesn’t that sound like both a husband and a wife have some rights and power regarding all the physical acts of the other, at least as they pertain to their physical interaction? With this authority wielded in love and honor, this can be powerful in the relationship.

Of course a husband and wife, focused on themselves rather than one another, could play a game with this verse and claim their authority to have the other one stop. A wife who wants cuddles has a right to ask. A husband should not say that he’s going to exercise his authority over her body to have her stop cuddling. Likewise with sex, foreplay or anything else. Playing power games and trying to use God’s word to back you up is manipulative, disengenuine, and sinful. God looks at the heart, and if such games are played, each person knows they are violating the meaning of the verse.

Some couples take it even farther. The two have become one flesh, and authority of each body resides in the other, so that means that the wife’s body belongs to the husband and the husband’s body belongs to the wife. That means that she wants her body to look as good as possible because it isn’t just hers, it’s his, too. She can make him look better by making herself look better. Likewise the husband. It’s not just his body, but hers. Does he want her to be an overweight, beer-bellied middle aged body? Probably not. It’s not just his body, it’s hers.

We have a stewardship over our body because it isn’t just ours. It belongs to our spouse. How we treat our body reflects, to some degree, how we feel about our spouse. After all, my body belongs to my wife, and if I don’t care what I do with it, I’m being irresponsible with her body. Same thing if I injure it and don’t give it time to heal. I need to take care of myself because my body doesn’t just belong to me. It’s a gift from God, and he didn’t just give it to me, he gave it to her.

WIVES, HELP HIM UNDERSTAND AND HONOR YOU

1 Peter 3:7 - You husbands, likewise live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman; and grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life.

Husbands are to be understanding, perhaps accepting the differences between them. Some translations say in a knowledgeable way, that is, knowing something. His wife can help tremendously by opening up to him, by letting him know things, by understanding and knowing herself and sharing that with him.

A classic error women have made in the past is “if you loved me, you’d know.” Similarly, some women have said “well if you don’t know, I’m certainly not goign to tell you!” Each of these appears intended to leave the man in the dark. As bizarre as these statements hopefully look for more enlightened women who understand that men are not psychic, women have actually used these and still do. They think that if their husbands really loved them, they would automatically know their favorite flowers, and remember that when told, and they would remember dates, special occassions, what romance the wife likes, and they would automatically know exactly what they did wrong when she’s upset.

Obviously, if the man is commanded by God to live with ehr inan understanding or knowledgeabvle way, he needs to understand and he needs to know. People don’t know things that are not communicated to them. Men, especially, tend to need actual facts. They don’t generally deal well with hints and subtlties. That’s normally the province of women.

Second, “as with a weaker vessel” does not necessarily state that the vessel is actually weaker, only that women are to be treated as though they were more delicate, that is, treated with the respect one might give a china sculpture. He should not rough house with her the way men can with one another. When men play, physical pain is considered okay, especially when it in an unintended, natural consequence of their sport. Men should not roughhouse with their wives that way. When women feel pain inflicted on them, it does not create the kind of comraderie that men get when they hurt each other and let the mater drop. Wehn women are physically hurt, even if it isn’t severe, they tend to take that personally. She should be cherished, and her body cherished.

Also, in a culture where men are trained to fight and kill and women to care for the children, men are almost always more dangerous than women and in any given fight, the trained could kill the untrained. Thus the women were, in a strict combat sense, the weaker vessel. This is generally true today, too. When it comes to muscle mass, physical strength, and a willingness and ability to withstand external pain, the man usually has the advantage. He has to remember that when he plays with her and treat her like a lady. Women have their own brand of toughness that puts most men to shame, the strength to survive labor and willingly have another child after that. Women handle cramps better, illness better and generally are stronger and more resilient on the inside. However, she is still to be cherished and protected “as with a weaker vessel,” not saying that she has no strength, but he won’t presume on that strength with his actions.

She is to be honored as a fellow heir, a fellow Christian, and the Bible tells us that when it comes to our relationship with God, there is no male or female. The gender specific roles apply to social organization and church organization, and many of those may be culturally based. When it comes to how we love and honor one another, we are equals.

DON’T SEPARATE!

Mark 10: 9 - What God has joined together let no man separate.

However, Jesus just told us that divorce laws exist because of our hardness of heart, but that God never intended there to be divorce. If even Jesus tells us that divorce was allowed because of the hardness of the human heart, doesn’t that hardness of heart still exist? Has God intervened to make us all tenderhearted? It does not take much observation to see that we are still hard hearted. If that is the case, might divorce still be permissable?

God hates divorce. He says so in the Old Testament where the laws on divorce were given and divorces were relatively easy to obtain (see Malachi 2:16). While people often interepret Jesus words on the subject as allowing divorce in the case of adultery, such was not the case. If we really read those passages in Mark 10 and Matthew 19, we can see that He does not say that if adultery has taken place, then marriage is permissable. It deals specifically with the repercussions in remarriage.

The general principle of what God has joined together, let no man separate controls in all cases. Some will make the argument that God hadn’t really joined them together, but once you have been married before God, you are joined. Divorce is always wrong. However, stayiing might also be wrong. It is a sad human fact that sometimes we do not get to choose between right and wrong, but between two wrongs. If we are given the choice to subject ourselves or our children to murder, or to divorce, which would a responsible, God-fearing woman choose?

But let’s back up a bit. “Let no man separate” is different than divorce. We already know that divorce was never the original plan, but a concession due to our hardness of heart. This was true in the Old Testament, and it may still be true. But when does separation take place? If one spouse has already separated from the marriage, but the only difference is the legal effect from a legally filed divorce, would it be permissable to do so? Could, for example, a wife file for divorce after her husband has abandoned her? Didn’t he already separate? Isn’t she just ratifying the facts with the law?

Just because you are legally married does not mean you have not separated. Even living in the same home does not necessarily mean you have not separated. The word does mean physically leaving, so we are told not to physically walk out on our spouse. Divorce or no divorce, if we do the wrong of walking out, it ought to be because it would be a greater wrong to remain.

The word for separate, though, is also used to describe nothing separating us from the love of God in Romans 8:29. Can we physically walk away from God’s love? Of course not. Does that imply that we can be separated even though we are physically together? To really consider that point, if we look at the same word used in Hebrews 7:26, we see that Jesus was “separate” from sinners. Yet, He went out of His way to spend time with them! Does that imply that one can be separate even though you are together? Perhaps.

If this is the case, then that means that we could separate from our spouses even though we haven’t divorced. It means we can be separate from our spouses even though we have not physically moved away. It means we can separate even though we stay together.

None of this is intended to grant license to those wishing to divorce. The divorce rate among professing Christians is high enough as it is, so obviously no one needs any justification from me. The world and the church look very much alike on this issue. While those who actually practice Christianity have a lower rate, and those with such a vital joint relationship with Christ that they pray together every day have a divorce rate of less than 1 in 1000, simply professing Christ as Lord seems to have little or no effect on the probability of divorce.

As is my habit, this exploration is intended to cause us to consider what we ought to be doing. If separation while still being married, living in the same house, and having a life lived physically together is still possible, and if God says that we should not separate what He has joined, then that means that anything we do that puts a wedge between husband and wife is wrong.

If we consider the three part model of Spirit, Soul and Body, we know that husbands and wives should be coming together in all three. God has joined them, and they should be together on Religion, Principles, Others, Will, Mind, Emotions, Actions, Senses and Body. This means they should seek God together, agree on the Principles that will govern their lives, love one another and Others, make decisions together, think about things, learn things and problem solve together, gain emotional intimacy, do things together, experience things together, and, of course, be sexually intimate.

It also says let “no man” separate, or “let not man” separate. That means that we should not interfere in the intimacy of the marriages of others, nor should we allow interference in the intimacy with our own spouse. That does not mean we must lock out the world and ignore truths others might have for us that are not pleasant - such as news about the activities of our spouse that could be damaging to the marriage - but it does mean that we don’t let the malice of other people, temptations, gossiping, or other things that make the bad things worse or destroy the harmony in our marriage. If a spouse is unreasonably jealous without cause, they are being disobedient, and they may be guilty of doing the separating. But if there is cause, or if a spouse plays with temptation, he or she may be guilty.

By the time a divorce has taken place, chances are separation has existed for some time. The husband and wife were probably distancing themselves, one from the other, or both from the other, and may even be physically separated before a divorce is sought. We must watch out that we aren’t starting the separation process by our own actions and choices, by our thoughts and the feelings in which we choose to dwell.

So, a husband and wife should always be looking to come together on all levels. They should not try to pull away from one another. If a divorce is going to happen, make certain that it was 100% the fault of the other. Be blameless. Come together, seek intimacy, be the spouse God intended for you to be.

A quick story illustrates the power of this, and the Bible tells us that this is sometimes the case with the salvation of our spouse. In this case, the man and woman were both professing Christians. The wife had sought counseling from her pastor. He recognized that she had some serious bitterness issues and some pain from past experiences, but he could not seem to pierce her hard exterior to discover what those were. It was quickly apparent that she intended to get a divorce, and her rage at her husband really made her want him to suffer. He knew nothing he said would stop her, so he surprised her by agreeing that divorce might be the best option.

“But,” he added, “wouldn’t it be nice to really make him pay? Tell you what, why don’t you try this: be a totally perfect, attentive and loving wife for just three months, then hit him with the divorce. That would really make him suffer!”

Her eyes lit up with the sinister glee of someone on a path to vengeance. She never came back, but several months later he saw her again. He asked if she had filed for divorce. She told him that she wasn’t going to get divorced, that she was totally happy and excited in her marriage because “he’s totally changed!”

While this tactic is dangerous in counseling, the basic point is clear. Sometimes the behavior of a spouse is a normal and natural reaction to our own behavior. If our behavior would naturally lead to a positive response, we will likely get a positive response. If it would naturally lead to a negative response, we will almost certainly get a negative response. If we get a negative response, we tend to respond negatively, then they do, and we do, and so on.

If we divorce, we have to remember that we take half the failed marriage with us. If we seek a subsequent relationship, we take half the old failed marriage with us into that relationship. It’s easy to blame the other person, but we are half of the equation. If we think we are innocent, we should seek evidence to prove us guilty. If any exists, we should fix it and keep it fixed. If divorce does take place, it should be despite the fact that we were as perfect a spouse as we could be. We should be the husband or be the wife that anyone would love to have. If we successfully come together with our spouse, if we make absolutely certain that we were in no way responsible for the separation, then there is a very, very high probability that the marriage will come back together. If it doesn’t, at least we can have confidence that we won’t duplicate the failure because we were doing everything to be successful.

Consider Romans 7:1-3 on the subject of life, death and remarriage.

On divorce and departure from a spouse, consider 1 Corinthians 7:10-11.

MORE LOVE AND RESPECT

Ephesians 5:33 - Nevertheless, let every one of you in particular love his wife even as himself, and the wife see that she respect her husband.

Using the same approach as in previous verses, we see that a husband is to love his wife even as he loves himself. It is a marriage-specific parallel to the Golden Rule. A husband and wife are one, God calls it “one flesh,” so he should love her and himself the same. If he puts up with his own behaviors, he should put up with hers if she misbehaves. If he wants to get good things for himself, he should also want to get good things for her. There is no place for selfishness.

That places the responsibility on the wife to be as lovable as possible, and to help and inspire her husband to love her more. Exploring Agape and the recipient’s role in supporting it is always important. Since that has already been thoroughly explored in the discussion on Ephesians 5:25-28, this reminder should suffice.

However, the Bible says that a wife should respect her husband. The word is also translated reverence, or fear. It’s the same “fear” word used when speaking of “fear of God.” A wife should respect her husband enough that she can’t imagine going head to head with him. She should respect him with the same kind of respect she has for God. (See the discussion on Fear of God for more details on this.)

This kind of respect is an awareness of his position and responsibility, and awareness of the authority provided to fulfill those responsibilities. As much as this verse can be used to really get on wives for disrespecting their husands, and many are guilty, there are uncounted commentaries and sermons on the subject.

Our approach, though, is to look at what that entails as far as responsibilities for the husband. If a husband is a fool, a coward, a dominator, unloving, and a very bad leader, he makes it very near impossible for his wife to obey God’s expectation of her in this verse. How can a wife respect her husband if a husband gives her very little to respect?

Since a primary male need is to be admired by his wife, he knows that he ought be admirable. Since respect is a basic need of both men and women, both should know they need to be respectable. Here, if a wife is supposed to revere her husband, he can help her obey God by being worthy of such reverence.

The man is supposed to be the spiritual leader in the home. Leaders don’t just issue orders and make demands, they get out in front and blaze the trail, set the example, and do what they ought to do so their followers can follow. The husband is expected to be worthy of respect. He will sabotage his wife’s ability to obey God if he is anything less, which is a very poor spiritual leader.

So men need to be loving, godly, skilled, mature, wise, strong, and excellent leaders, just as discussed under the banner of a wife’s submission. A wife can most easily obey God if we help her by giving her something she would naturally admire, respect and revere.

WIVES, HELP HIM BE A PROVIDER

1Timothy 5:8 But if any provide not for his own, and especially for those of his own house, he has denied the faith and is worse than an infidel.

This is a pretty tall order. In the early days of marriage, my mother and father struggled. My father, knowing his role was to be a provider, was looking for work, but could not find any on the island. He sat down on a field overlooking the Mauna Kea Beach Hotel project on the island of Hawaii and contemplated his failure at finding work. The foreman came up to the hill and sat with him on a break and talked to him about finding something he loved at which he could make a living. After that discussion, my father decided to return home to San Diego once I was born.

The first job he found was as a milkman. He hated it, but he was good at it. Finally, once day, he came home and told my mother that he hated the job and he really wanted to find something else. The problem was that he couldn’t look for nine to five jobs if he was already working nine to five. He thought about doing what he could after hours, but in the 1960s, that was a challenge.

So my mother told him to quit. She had saved up enough money for the household to survive for a few weeks while he found another job. So long as he found something quickly, they would be fine. So he quit.

My father had the view that a man is never without work. Either her works at the job at which he is employed, or he works trying to find employment. So after his last day on the job, his next workday was an eight hour day to look for another job. His intention was to put in 40 hours a week diligently job hunting. If he wanted to work at a job 9 to 5, he would work 9 to 5 looking for that job until he found one.

He found something the first day, and he started work the next. He went to work selling cars. He was good at it, and in six months he was the manager. Not long after that, he opened Conway Motors with a partner, then he bought out his partner. Then he got a new car line and ran Conway British Imports for a while. Then he added Subaru. Then Mazda. He even had Saab and motor homes for a while. He also bought Continental Fiat and ran it as Conway Fiat for a while.

It started with my mother, though. Without her, he would not have been able to switch jobs. She was frugal and they lived beneathe their means. She made sure she did not expect or demand a lifestyle that exceeded the budget, and she made certain there was savings so he could focus on earning.

When he started his business, she was there to support him. She helped him dress the part. She helped by keeping the house orderly. She took care of the home so he could focus on taking care of business. She was the sounding board for his thoughts and ideas. When she had an opinion, she voiced it, but she never challenged him on his final decision. After all, it was his business. He knew it best, and he grew it from a few used cars to a multimillion dollar company and property combined value. He even owned the land on which the busineses were located.

His philosophy of taking care of the customer’s needs kept people coming back for twenty years. Sometimes he wouldn’t even sell someone the car they wanted. He’d sell them the car they needed. I remember a story he told me one day of a young husand who came in looking for a nice sports car convertible. However, after talking with him, my father sold him a less expensive family car. The man’s wife was expecting, and my father knew that he’d need a family car, not a sports car. That couple returned again later when they needed another new car.

My father believed in taking care of the customer, and in taking care of his employees. At one time he employed more than six dozen people at three locations. None of this would have been possible if his wife, my mother, in the earliest days of his job hunting hadn’t managed to save. Her prudence empowered his options, and her support openned opportunities for him that he could not have had without my mother’s wisdom.

Sometimes women make financial demands on their husband’s money that pushes the money to the limit and eliminates options. His job is to provide, and if she works, she’s helping him. Whatever financial choices they make together, it is his responsibility to provide, and that implies the collateral responsibilty of helping him.

This may mean not only that she save, and she may not have that option depending upon the current financial situation, but she should support him in his work. She should love him for going to work and make coming home from work a pleasant experience. One wife reported that she had a great husband, five wonderful children, and they had just bought a nice home. Her children would run to the door to great their daddy when he came home, but one day, she said, she raced them and jumped into his arms. It really made him feel appreciated for all the hard work when she expressed how much she really loved him and everything he had provided. She had always made it clear that she loved him no matter what, but he also wanted to know she appreciated all his hard work.

The sort of behavior goes far to inspire him to fulfill his responsibility with joy. If he knows that she interprets his work as a forty hour long “I love you” every week, he is more happy to head off to work. If she expressed joy and appreciation for his work and greets him with enthusiasm and love when he comes home, he’s more happy to work. If she helps him with the household expenses, either with some income of her own or controlling spending, and expresses that it’s her way of helping him and she’s happy to do it, then that makes him happier to work.

The excuses can pile up quickly if someone is looking for an excuse to not do this. But in this and everything else, consider the possibilities. Consider the effect of making marriage and life and the role of the provider a joy. Might that not make the whole marriage better? Wouldn’t helping a man obey God’s command to provide for his family be a godly thing to do?

HUSBAND AND WIFE HELP THE OTHER SUBMIT

Just before the special command to wives to submit to their husbands is an oft-overlooked verse that admonishes all Christians to submit to one another. Ephesians 5:21 follows a line of verses that tells us how to interact with one another. We are also told that there is neither Jew or Greek nor male or female in God’s eyes, indicating that whether a man or woman, God deals with us as individuals.

There are many passages that talk about the relative relationships of men to women, since there are many unique characteristics of those relationships, marriage in particular. We should always remember, however, that the general principles are not suspended because we have additional, specialized instructions. If the extra instruction specifically tells us that the general rule does not apply, then we can ignore the general rule only withing the specific guidelines of the specific exception.

For instance, there is only one time in God’s Word that we are told that it is perfectly acceptable to have “strong drink,” Deuteronomy 14:26, which would seem to indicate a drink whose primary purpose is to produce drunkeness, and the rest of the time it tells us that we should not be drunk. Within that guideline, it is almost certainly acceptable before God to drink. Outside that guideline, we should follow the general rule of avoiding drunkeness.

The rule that women are to submit to men is the rule for a married woman to her husband. He is to be the head of the house, and he cannot lead if his wife refuses to follow. His role is dependent upon his obedience, just as no officer could effectively lead a unit if the members of the unit refuse to obey orders. However, there is no indication is the specific command to wives that the original rule on us submitting one to another is suspended.

As to others, we must regard the truth that just about everyone knows something we do not know, or knows something better than we know it, or has some experience we have never had. I will submit to the authority of an eight year old, despite being a grown man, if the question is a computer game as which this child has skill. If he tells me to go left, I will go left. If he tells me to stop and have the game character look under a rock, I will stop the character and look under the rock. The child with the advantage of having played a game before knows things about the game that I do not, so I will submit because I know the child knows better than me.

Thus we must remember that husbands and wives are equals first, a team, and the special authority relationship is overlayed in that. Generally, husbands and wives are to be considered as exactly equal to one another, blessed by God or curses by the world with different talents, skills, experiences - good and bad - education, training, and emotional insight or baggage.

We should naturally submit to one another in the areas in which our knowledge, insight and skills differ. Pastor J.T. Taylor is exceptional at team building and facilitation, both areas in which his skill far outstrips mine, and since I want to be better, I submit to him in those areas. Pastor Nathan Daniel is exceptionally blessed with grace and spiritual insight in deliverance from past hurts, and I submit to his authority on those issues. From expert to expert, I follow and submit, always looking carefully at what they teach to compare it to what I know to be true, and inquiring for more information if I am uncertain about a position.

This seems normal and natural, and anyone who has ever taken lessons or training from someone to acquire a skill knows that the key to success is submission to the instructor. If that instructor determines our success or failure at a class, a certification program, or a degree, we know that we must submit or we will not achieve the intended result. I have submitted to professors with whom I disagreed and answered the questions on their test as they demanded just so I could earn a passing grade, but there is no requirement that I submit my beliefs and my understanding of truth to that professor, only that I submit my performance in that class and on those tests.

So we move to mutual submission between husbands and wives. If there is any area in which one or the other has exceptional insight, experience, skill or consistently produces a better result than the other, then submission should be a simple matter. This is exactly what we do in any peer relationship. We follow the lead of the person who knows what they are doing better. Failure to do so would be considered foolish in any relationship, marriage included.

Somehow, many husbands and wives think that the fact that the wife is expected to submit to her husband means that he must be right all the time, that he must be in command all the time, and that he has to always be the one to call the shots. I am thankful that this is not true, because I frequently exercise my leadership with my wife by simply stepping out of her way. There are many things at which she has enormous experience and skill, and many things she knows that I do not, and a great many things she sees that I do not. If I was required to always be the one in front, our team would fail miserably.

We are equals first, and in an authority relationship second. My authority relationship with my wife, so fully explored when discussing her submission to me, is likewise reversed in her leadership of me, her husband. If I am required to live in mutual submission with her, yet I have the final say in the event of a flat our disagreement, that means that we each have to lead each other, but God says the buck stops with me. She has to lead me the same way she would like to be lead by those who may be under her authority, such as, perhaps, our children when they might be the ones with the special knowledge, understanding, education or insight.

If we both seek to lead by example, rather than command, there is no conflict between our mutual submission of one to another and her special submission to me. If we both seek to command, then there will be conflict, a lot of it, and it will last as long as we both shall live. By both getting out in front, by both being leaders that naturally inspire following, by both being mutually committed in love to one another to always do what is best for the marriage team, we can both lead, and we can both follow.

That makes my job as the family leader much easier to accomplish. My wife is a wonderful example to me, and I follow her more than she knows. She has been my inspiration when I’ve been down, my driving force when I am ready to surrender, by reminder to me of how I should love God, and my reminder in my love for her of God’s love for me. Our mutual leadership and submission means that when she submits to me as her husband, she submits to an equal.

THE INTERPRETATION PRINCIPLES

There are many verses about the role of men and women and the role of husbands and wives in particular. Some get confused with one another, such as 1 Timothy 2:12, often used to keep half the human population from teaching anything to a member of the other half of the human population. It says that Paul does not allow a woman to teach or usurp authority over a man, but to be silent.

Or does it? The word for woman and man here are also commonly translated husband and wife, and based on the content and the other vereses that deal with the subject (1 Corinthians 14:34-35), it appears to be talking about a married couple. The word for teach here implies an ongoing teaching, imparting doctrine and truth on a prolonged basis. It implies the office of teacher over another, with the other being subject, then, to the teacher. If the man is supposed to be the leader in the house, then it stands to reason that the wife cannot be permitted to be her own husband’s teacher.

The “usurp authority” mention, to “exercise authority” in some translations, talks about being a final authority, to govern or have dominion over. In the context of the role of husband and wife considering the commands for that particular relationship, that makes perfect sense. In the context of all men with all women, it makes less sense.

Even the comment about women being silent, or being in quietness, even in context of a husband and wife, hints at chattering in church problems that had been experienced elsewhere. It also implies simply not interfering in the lives of others, in this context, of learning without interfering with the teaching. It means she should listen and learn when teaching is going on, not talking when teaching is going on. That sounds like common sense, but it was a problem in parts of the early church, in Corinth in particular.

When looking at any Scripture, the truth of the Scripture should be more important than any interpretation placed upon it. If we are going to govern our marriage by Scripture, in whole or in part, we must first look to the absolute truth in what it is we read. We may need to listen carefully to teaching on many subjects and double check things we plan to take to heart.

When a pastor says that the reason God had to raise the woman judge Deborah up as the judge over Israel is because God could not find a man to do the job, look it up. That comes from the assumption that women aren’t supposed to teach or have authority over men, not that wives are not to be the ongoing instructors and masters of their husbands. If you look in the Book of Judges, nowhere does it say that God even looked for a man to do the job.

We must remember “Reality is More Important Than Anything We Believe.” The Bible doesn’t change, but how we interpret it changes. God doesn’t change, but our understanding of Him changes. God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow, but the way He deals with us changes based upon our own understanding. The Bible makes allowances for culture, and there is much God does not say which He presumably leaves up to us (where in the Bible does it tell us what time to start church services?). But where God speaks, we should try our best to seek His truth and really try to understand where He’s talking about cultural meaning and where He is stating universal principles.

When we make the consideration, we should focus our attention on the character of God, on the character and life of Jesus in particular and how he treated people. If an interpretation seems contrary how God would be expected to work, or seems to contradict other Scripture, we should take a look at what else is said on the matter and ask questions. As we start to divine principles from Scripture, we should consider to what else they may apply. If we are uncertain, many resources now exist to research the original language on our computers with minimal investment of time and energy. There are also multiple commentaries available written from several perspectives.

Despite seeking God’s truth, there will still be areas in which reasonable people will differ. Cultural bias, which we call ethnocentrism (the presumption that one’s culture is correct and contrary cultures are presumed wrong), personal bias, which we call egocentrism (the belief that our personal view is correct and contrary views are presumed wrong), and denominational background will affect our reading and understanding of what Scripture says. When we take that into our Bible study, scholars call that “isogesis.” We should seek to do “exogesis,” that is, getting out of Scripture what it is really saying without any bias.

Part of the process is to really try to take a look at all the possible meanings. The more different meanings from the words used in any given verse, the more likely we are to have the intended meaning in there. Then we eliminate those possibilities that are contradicted by other Scripture, and we look at what remains and consider which seems most like Christ. Which of our remaining possibilities is echoed elsewhere in Scripture. Then, if there are still more than one possibilities left, which seems to be the most practical and wise.

NOT RIGHTS, BUT RESPONSIBILITIES

Scripture on marriage and the conduct of men and women in the context of marriage is very powerful. If we really unpack the verse and consider every command to either husband or wife as a team effort. When the wife is told to do something, the husband needs to consider his role in facilitating the expectaton placed upon her. When the husband is commanded, the wife needs to consider what she can do to help her husband do what he is expected to do.

When looking at verses in the Bible, one should actively look for responsibilities, express or implied, and how we can help others obey God and grow strong in character and faith. Sometimes we do things with one intent and inadvertently create another outcome. As we learn more and grow in our relationship with Christ, we will find that we may not sin as much as we used to, but we will still sin.

There are types, or categories of sin. From a human viewpoint, the differences are important, though from a eternal standpoint all sin needs to be forgiven or the penalty for sin is death. However, humanly speaking, there is a big difference between the sin of missing the mark, just making a mistake, and the sin of outright evil, intentional lawlessness and transgression of what we know to be right.

Hopefully, by the time we’re ready to get married we are beyond intentionally wronging our spouse. If we take the marriage covenant seriously, we should enter in with the intention of being a good spouse. If we harbor selfish desires, if we are marrying only because of what we can get, not what we can give, not what we can build together, then we should not marry at all. We must be beyond intentional wrong.

However, one of the definitions of sin is the archery term “hamartia,” which just means to miss the bullseye. When we get married, we will miss the mark sometimes. No matter how knowledgeable, wise, skilled and godly, we will still miss. We might get close, but hamartia is hamartia if you are on the outside edge of the bullseye, but you missed. Sometimes we miss the mark so badly that the only thing to our credit is that we tried.

Consider for a moment what missing the bullseye means. If an archer is aiming at the target, is he going to release the arrow when he knows he will miss? Or will he release the arrow with some hope or expectation that his arrow will hit the intended target? Of course, he thinks he will hit, or at least he hopes he will hit, so he thinks he’s doing everything as right as he knows how.

If I’m aiming at a target at close range, chances are I can hit the bullseye every time. But what happens if the target is more difficult. In “Robin Hood” (almost no matter what version), Robin splits that arrow of a perfect shot with an even more perfect shot. As the target moves back farther and farther, as we attempt more difficult refinements, we might have a target so far away that we don’t know whether or not we hit or missed.

For me, my wife serves as my spotter. Like a spotter on a military firing range, she keeps an eye out to see how well I’m doing and helps adjust my shot so we get the intended result. We make a good team that way. When she sees that God tells me to lead, she knows that she needs to be a good follower. When she sees that God tells me to love her, she knows that she needs to be lovable. When she sees that God tells me to provide, she knows that she needs to be a wise and frugal money manager.

In every command God gives me, she knows that I will miss the mark. She accepts that as true, but she is diligent to make sure that when I miss, it isn’t because she’s done anything to spoil my shot. Not only is she diligent to not spoil my shot, she is also diligent to help me by making the commands God gives me as easy as possible to accomplish. That way my obedience is in degrees of success, not degrees of failure. I do the same for her.