Emotion: Overwhelm

Meaning: 1) We feel we have more to do than we can do.
2) We feel we have more coming at us than we can handle.

Overwhelm means we perceive that what we have to do is more than we feel we can do, or that things in life are coming at us at a magnitude or pace we can’t handle. Whether it is tasks we must undertake or events crashing through our lives, Overwhelm is a call to immediate and decisive action. This, perhaps more than any other Emotion, is not something in which we can wallow. When the feeling of Overwhelm hits, we must not only take action, but we must take action immediately.

Too Much to Do

When Overwhelm is task oriented, it means that we perceive more tasks to do that we feel we can do given the available resources. These resources include time, energy, money, manpower, tools, and everything else that will help us get our work done.

Important Over Urgent

The most immediate step, is to make a quick determination about whether there are any things that need to be done that are both urgent and important. Life is full of urgencies that are unimportant, tasks and events that will have little or no impact in the long run but take up our time now. If we are feeling Overwhelm, we must focus on the important tasks first, and those things that are both urgent and important must take precedent.

The default sequence is as follows: Do the tasks first that are both urgent and important. Then do the tasks that are important, but not urgent. Then you can deal with the less important tasks. This principle is fundamental to organizing life.

Typically, we get caught up in urgent tasks and that pushes back the important tasks. It’s easy to get caught up in errands, phone calls, news stories, letters and minutae that we forget important things. The important things often do not intrude into our schedule until they, too, become urgent due to procrastination. Very often, we find our life simplified by skipping the urgent things and dealing with true priorities, putting off thethings that don’t really need to be done until we have free time.

Too Many Important AND Urgent Things to Do

When it is that simple to deal with Overwhelm, the Emotion can be quickly dispelled. However, as often as not, the feeling came about because of too many urgent things hitting, and too many of them are too important to ignore. Sometimes, no matter how you try to categorize and prioritize, it seems there are too many important things that all need to be done now.

Step one is to really look at these items and determine first if they are all truly both urgent and important. You might determine that there are one or two tasks that can be put off until later or can be redefined to a simpler task. If, for instance, you intended to have your house thoroughly cleaned top to bottom before guests showed up for dinner, you might reduce that to straighten and vacuum only those areas in which you intend to entertain, perhaps just the kitchen, dining room, living room and guest bathroom. The rest of the house, you might decide, can wait. Light cleaning in four rooms would probably save considerable time and effort compared to a complete cleaning of a whole house. If you planned to bake a cake, you might buy a cake. If you planned to sew a dress, you might buy one or borrow one instead.

Step two is an analysis of resources. What are your deadlines? What help do you have? What help can your hire? Who might be willing to do you a favor? (Of course, always be gracious if you are turned down, and always express gratefulness if someone helps.) What tasks do you have to do personally? This is not the same as what tasks do you want to do yourself, or what tasks you want to do so you can make sure it’s done “right,” but what absolutely requires your particular skills? If someone else can do an adequate job, delegate. Remember, Overwhelm is an emergency Emotion that means you need to get on top of things NOW.

Then organize or get whatever help might be available so all the necessary tasks can be done. There might be many things left undone, but if they are not immediately important, they can be put off while the urgent, important tasks are done.

Everyone experiences Overwhelm from time to time. There are moments in life in which too many things all hit all at once. Sometimes it’s as simple as three children all need to be at different places at the same time, and a mother has to figure out how to get them there. Sometimes it’s work and family obligations crashing into one another. Almost no matter how organized your life, Overwhelm will strike sooner or later. Our deftness at handling it will determine if the feeling will be a problem.

When We Make It Ourselves

Sometimes Overwhelm is an Emotion created by our own folly. If we have procrastinated on too many tasks and they remain undone as deadlines close, that is our fault. That fact gives us tremendous power to do something about it in the future. Overwhelm created by our own inaction is the easiest to avoid since we make it ourselves. All we have to do is stop making it. It is the Overwhelm that comes from outside with tasks imposed upon us that becomes the problem.

When We Need to Be Better or Have More

If someone frequently experiences task-based Overwhelm, that usually means that there is an imbalance of resources and tasks. This means that some personal development time is required to increase one’s ability to handle more tasks more efficiently, that resources must be increased, or tasks must be reorganized.

The personal development solution is perhaps the most beneficial in the long term because it helps us expand our ability to handle multiple tasks and thus reduced the likelihood of Overwhelm striking again. Someone who is frequently behind in schoolwork may not need more time studying - which is sometimes counter productive - but may need to actually learn how to learn. That student may need a course in memorization, in learning techniques, in study skills, or in speed reading. That student may need to exercise more, breathe more, drink more water, eat better food, sleep more or just relax.

Stephen Covey, author of 7 Habits of Highly Effective People calls this “sharpening the ax.” He tells a story of a young lumberjack who works too many hours and pushes too hard to stop long enough to sharpen his ax, and he wonders why his productivity keeps dropping while others working half as hard are out-producing him. If the axe is dull, it needs to be sharpened.

Sometimes resources need to be increased. Maybe some money needs to be prioritized for a baby sitter to watch the kids at home while the mother runs the older children to their functions. Maybe a new car is needed, something that will allow the whole family to go somewhere at the same time. It might be as simple as more baby seats so the seats don’t need to be moved from car to car every time a parent or other caregiver takes the children somewhere.

Maybe a housekeeper needs to be hired, on a one time basis or for special occasions, or weekly for regular household maintenance. Maybe an exercise routine or health regimen or supplements are in order to keep energy levels high. Maybe you need a second assistant at your office. You can take a look at all sorts of resources that help increase productivity, help alleviate the need for your personal attention, or help you accomplish multiple tasks simultaneously.

The Reorganization Solution

Sometimes we need to reorganize our tasks, or, perhaps, organize them for the first time. There might be ways to adjust the way tasks are done. All errands could be scheduled and mapped, and only emergency runs are permitted to deviate from the route. This could allow what was once three different trips in two different directions to one trip that circles around and returns to the home or office. There might be pick up and delivery options, car pools, trade offs with others, or techniques for accomplishing more than one task at a time. Listening to tapes while driving can often provide training time during driving time, or getting the news from the radio rather than television or the newspaper can free up time at home.

Just Say No

The solution might be as simple as saying “no” a little more often. If you are aware of how many things you already have on your to do list, you should feel free to say “no” from time to time. Even when you say “yes” to something, there are cases in which you can leave yourself a way out. “I’d be happy to do that, provided my boss doesn’t have something else he needs me to do at that time,” might be a good answer to a friendly request. That way if your employer does have an extra job for you, you can call your friend and let him know that your boss does, indeed, have something for you to do, and apologize for not being able to do the favor.

Major Life Change

It may also be possible that a major life change might be required. If there is no way to effectively deal with Overwhelm because there really is too much to do, there is no personal growth or training that will help, no additional resources are possible, and reorganization is not possible, major change may be in order. It may require a career change, or perhaps even setting aside a career for a while. It may require moving back in with family, or moving to a less expensive home. If Overwhelm is consistent, something has to be done. If nothing else will work, this remains a final option.

Overwhelm From Too Much to Handle

The other version of the same feeling comes from too many things coming at us than we feel we can handle. Mother Teresa was known to have said something to the effect of “God never allows us to receive a greater burden than we can bear. I just wish He didn’t trust me so much.”

When life is flying at us much faster than we think we can handle it, the first thing we need to do is really take a look at what’s coming at us. Overwhelm due to events coming at us is usually more a matter of interpretation than objective fact. We think that certain events mean things that they may not mean. Alternatively, the event may mean exactly what we think it means, it just isn’t as objectively intense as we are making it in our mind.

Even when it is, the techniques for Disassociation* discussed in the Basics chapter can help us handle something in the moment. We often simply make things too intense, and if we can turn down the emotional volume, slow down the mental picture, and pull away from it for a while, we can get a handle on it. Once we can get ourselves a little emotional breathing space and look at the situation more as an outsider, we find that we can handle it after all.

*this information is not included on the website. Let me know if you need me to post it and I will make a link and put the rather long basics chapter online. Email Scot Conway.

Getting Help

Sometimes we can get help. We can talk to our spouse, a member of our family or a friend. We can talk to our clergyman or a counselor. Often just being able to talk can help us externalize our problem and deal with it more effectively. Sometimes we just need to hear someone who knows what’s happening assure us that everything will be fine. If that is all we need, we should know this about ourselves and let someone know before we dump everything on them.

We can also ask for them to be honest if they think it won’t be okay, and ask for practical help getting through it. Sometimes when we face horrible tragedies, like the death of a loved one, we have to expect for it be too much. During those times, we may need others to alleviate some of what we need to do while the matter settles in our hearts. The house may go uncleaned, time off from work may be required, and someone else may have to prepare meals, even if that’s as simple as ordering pizza.

Taking Control

There are many times that we create our own problems or magnify problems, and when we are at fault, we have the power to do something about them. When there is too much, practice minimizing the problems and emotional challenges. Externalize them. Temporarily disassociate from them. When you think of them, slow the pictures down, mute the colors, turn down the sound, make it a photograph, push it away. Get away from the feelings and try to think more rationally. Look at the bright side, if there is one. There almost always is a silver lining.

One dangerous strategy people sometimes use is simply to ignore things or stuff them. One will result in the full consequences of reality hitting us when the natural results of ignoring things happens, and the other will eventually result in a scarred Soul. Minimizing and eternalizing are strategies to get some emotional distance so you can deal more effectively with reality. They are not techniques to use to push things away so you can ignore them.

Sometimes people feel totally cut off from others. They might live in a new town and not have enough money to call someone, or there may be no one to call. They might need to let it all out, but there is no one with whom they can talk. We can always talk to God, and even start off saying something like “I know you know, and I know you care, but I really need to say this, Lord. Thank you for listening.” Then let it all out.

If we need a live human being and there’s no money for a counselor, there are help lines and prayer lines and pastors that are available. They might take a little hunting to find them, but smaller churches often have a pastor with some time for people if you just tell them your need, or they can help you find someone who can listen. Larger churches are more likely to have a program or a group you can attend to let it all out.

Preparing for Next Time

Something to consider after we’ve navigated times of Overwhelm is whether or not we can do anything to prepare for the next time, or prevent a next time. Sharpening our axe is important, not just in our ability to do things, but also in our ability to handle things. As we learn to understand the truths of reality and the skills to understand what is happening inside ourselves and what we can do about it, Overwhelm becomes much less likely.

It is possible that Overwhelm came because a reality hit that we should have seen earlier, but we avoided dealing with it. It might have been a Fear coping mechanism, dealing with Fear by ignoring a coming reality. The baby becomes overwhelming because we didn’t think about and prepare for the responsibilities. Adulthood independence becomes overwhelming because we only thought about the freedom, not the responsibilities. Marriage becomes overwhelming because we did not adequately prepare by dealing with our own issues and discussing the details of married life.

If we’re ready, really, honestly ready, we won’t be Overwhelmed. The most effective way to never be overwhelmed is to increase in all the skills and strengths life will require of us beforehand. By growing faster than life requires, life becomes easier and easier. If we are constantly overwhelmed, it means that life has gotten the jump on us, and we need to pick up the pace or the problems are likely to get worse. Read Master of Self. (Master of Self is the proposed name for a book that looks like it would be a book in two volumes. I am also working to assemble all the information into a series of programs on CD and in book form.)